01 [MOSES, ‘Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.’
CHRISTIAN, ‘Is that like a hard no on the images or is there some wriggle room?’
MOSES, ‘Thou shalt not make unto thee ANY graven image!!!!!!’
CHRISTIAN, ‘Okay, but what if I we give Jesus abs?’]
In this episode we ask the question, Was Jesus a beautiful man? Was he handsome, or an absolute uggo? Was the real historical Jesus tall with long, silky, salon-fresh hair? How does the Bible describe our lord and saviour Jesus Christ's appearance? But most of all, Why is Jesus so hot?
02 [JESUS, ‘Well hello 98 to 99 percent of ladies and 2.5 to 4 percent of men.’]
A significant portion of modern depictions of the son of YHWH are a silky long haired, groomed beard, half naked, no body hair, Adonis. What the actual fuck?
[JUDE, ‘You gotta give the people what they want.’]
Well not every Christian does want this. In fact there has been a resistance to this sexualization of the saviour for as long as it’s been happening.
03 [CONCERNED, 'Do you think the Jesus might just be a little too sexual?'
ARTIST, 'Oh I see! Just like all those blue haired liberal snowflake low T lesbian feminists, you can't handle the awesome masculine energy of Jesus! What is it that scares you so much? His rippling abs? Or is it the clear and defined outline of his semi erect penis, powerfully thrusting through the loin cloth?’
CONCERNED, 'This is a Nativity scene!']
Even before all this bullshit began, the earliest church leaders like Augustine of Hippo felt that Jesus had been predicted and described as the ‘Suffering Servant’ from the Old Testament’s Isaiah 53.
04 [ISAIAH, ‘Who hath believed our report? and to whom is the arm of the Lord revealed? For he shall grow up before him as a tender plant, and as a root out of a dry ground: he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him, there is no beauty that we should desire him.’]
In other words, according to Old Testament prophecy, Jesus should have been at the very best an uggo who ‘hath no form nor comeliness’.
05 [JESUS, ‘Hello Isaiah.’
ISAIAH, ‘Oh fucking hell! You shouldn’t sneak up on people with a face like that. Bro, seriously, that’s fucked up.’]
Or at the very worst, Jesus looked like ‘a root out of a dry ground’?’]
[JUDE, 'No wonder we don’t have any photos of him!']
06 [FAN, 'Is that Jesus?'
AUSSIE, ‘No! It’s a fucking turnip, you idiot.’]
The only other Old Testament description of the coming messiah, is also in Isaiah.
07 [ISAIAH, ‘I gave my back to the smiters, and my cheeks to them that plucked off the hair: I hid not my face from shame and spitting.’]
[JUDE, ‘I think I know what Isaiah’s into.’]
08 [ISAIAH, ‘Slap my face and spit in my mouth!’
STAFF, ‘Sir? This is a Wendy’s.’]
Whether or not Isaiah describes a Jesus beard on his coming messiah is debated. The important thing is, it does say the messiah will have have cheeks and hair… that gets plucked.
09 [ISAIAH, ‘Rip it! Rip it! Come on! Treat me like the whore I am! Rip it!’
STAFF, ‘Sir? This is STILL a Wendy’s!’]
The gospels themselves give absolutely no physical description whatsoever. But because the Old Testament possibly predicts the messiah will have a beard, Christians like to claim the New Testament ‘implies’ Jesus was bearded. But it really doesn’t. Like it doesn’t mention it at all.
10 [LIAR, 'Jesus was bearded. It’s in the Bible.'
SKEP, 'Oh really? Which book, chapter and verse are you referring to?'
LIAR, 'Hm?'
SKEP, 'The biblical passage? Where can I find it?'
LIAR, 'What biblical passage?'
SKEP, 'The one about Jesus and his beard. Where can I find it in the bible?'
LIAR, 'Um, you know there’s just so many to choose from. I can’t even decide which one to refer you to. I’m paralysed by choice if I’m being completely honest. Which I definitely am.']
As much as we like pointing out apologists lying, the truth is we can infer from historical and cultural sources that a beard was the norm for Jewish men in this time.
11 [BARBER, 'Ok Hiram I have brought my shears. What do you need? A tidy up around the mutton chops?'
HIRAM, 'Oh heavens no! Leviticus clearly says, Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.'
BARBER, 'Oh right! So what do you need me for today?'
HIRAM, 'Can you cut the tip off my kid's dick?']
And if you ignore the special Patreon episode we did PROVING beyond all doubt, Jesus was German, then yes 1st century Jewish Jesus most probably had a beard.
[JUDE, ‘Oh Jesus had a beard alright. Her name was Mary Magdalene!’
SFX BOOM TISH]
BUT the New Testament does NOT claim or imply Jesus had a beard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.
[HOOTS, ‘I swear.’]
So when did Christ go from the Suffering Servant whom none of us ‘should desire’ to Brad Pitt in Fight Club?
[JUDE, 'Did Jesus invent looks maxxing?']
12 [JESUS, ‘Guys, when you’re on the cross, look down on everyone. It’ll make you look taller.’]
The earliest depiction of a half naked muscular Jesus I could find, is a painting titled ‘Crucifix’ by Italian artist Giunta Pisano [p: JOON-tah pee-ZAH-no] in around 1250. It resides in the Basilica of San Domenico along with the bones of St Dominic, founder of the Dominicans himself.
13 [PISANO, 'So do you think St Dominic would approve of my Jesus?'
MONK, 'I think he would turn over in his grave.'
PISANO, 'Yeah I know right! Very arousing.']
This 13th century painting is clearly an attempt to move away from that medieval 2 dimensional flat depiction of the human form. This ‘Crucifix” is moving towards the more naturalist almost 3d photo realism the renaissance will eventually deliver.
14 [OLDY, '...and then I said, 'No Vicar! I told you to pull my SOCK off!'
YOUNGY, 'You know that’s a painting you're talking to?'
OLDY, 'Shut up! This is the first person to listen one of my stories all the way through!']
While Pisano's first draft blueprint for sexy Jesus has a painfully thin Christ, he DOES have the abs.
15 [JESUS, 'Carbs are the devil!']
AND skinny Jesus is posed in what will be described over and over by critics as a ‘feminine’ posture. Think Axl Rose in Welcome to the Jungle.
16 [AXL, 'Do you know where you are?'
SLASH, 'Yeah, we're in the studio! Remember? We're recording an album.'
AXL, 'You’re out of the band.']
30 years after Pisano, a Florentine artist Giovanni Cimabue [P: Chee ma boo ay] painted virtually the exact same painting for the Basilica di Santa Croce. Where notables like Micaelangelo, Galileo and Macheveli are buried.
17 [JESUS, 'Do you have any advice for me Macheveli?'
MACHEVELI, 'Yes I do my lord. A prince never lacks legitimate reasons to miss leg day.']
Cimabue’s version has the saviour in an even more exaggerated feminine pose and he’s wearing the silkiest, laciest, see through sexy little skirt you’ve ever seen.
18 [TRADIE, *wolf whistle*
JESUS, 'I'm not a piece of meat!']
AND in Cimabue’s version you can almost see the lord’s junk. Which brings us to Ostentatio Genitalium or more simply put, the display of Christ’s genitals in art.
[JUDE, ‘The Christ’s dick appears in so much art, they had to make up a word for it?’]
Yep.
19 [PERV, 'Ow my eye!'
QUESTION, 'What happened?'
PERV, 'I poked my eye on this Jesus statue.'
QUESTION, 'What was your head doing down THERE?'
PERV, 'Nothing!']
In 1983 Leo Steinberg published ‘The Sexuality of Christ in Renaissance Art and in Modern Oblivion’. In it Steinberg argues…
20 [STEINBERG, ‘...that the artists regarded the deliberate exposure of Christ’s genitalia as an affirmation of kinship with the human condition. Christ’s lifelong virginity, understood as potency under check, and the first offer of blood in the circumcision, both required acknowledgment of the genital organ. More than exercises in realism, these unabashed images underscore the crucial theological import of the Incarnation.’]
[JUDE, 'That was the biggest pile of…'
MONKS, 'Bullshit.'
JUDE, '...I've ever heard. AND ‘virginity, understood as potency under check’? Dude! Someone CHECK Steinberg’s hard drive. Make sure it’s not brimming with potency.’]
Well avoiding any further defamation we’ll move right along. According to Steinberg the first examples of penis Jesus begin appearing around 1260. And having seen Cimabue’s Crucifix, I would agree.
21 [CURATOR, 'Don’t get me wrong Cimabue, I love it. But do we really need to see the lord's wedding tackle?'
CIMABUE, 'What can I say? I love to draw the dick and the balls!']
The most egregious penis Jesus I saw came from German artist Ludwig Krug in the 16th century. His ‘Christ as the Man of Sorrows with the Virgin and St John’ has a muscular Jesus sitting in a loin cloth wrapped around a fully erect and impressive schlong.
22 [CRITIC, 'Oh Ludwig your use of the phallus to represent Christ's potency while breaking down the cosmic boundaries, exposing the lord's humanity, revealing our own paternal connection to the divine is ground breaking!'
KRUG, 'What can I say? I love to draw the dick and the balls!']
In1532 Dutch painter Maerten van Heemskerck [p: MAHR-tun vahn HAYMS-kerk] also painted a ‘Man of Sorrows’ in his version the Christ has the body of a Hemsworth and his half chubby is covered ever so lightly by a delicate wisp of almost transparent cloth.
23 [CURATOR, 'Excuse me Martin, do you think you could perhaps cover the lord's modesty?'
HEEMSKERCK, 'Oh right! The Bible tells us explicitly and directly clothing itself is a punishment for original sin. But sure! I'll put clothing on the pure lamb of god. The one who is WITHOUT sin. Fuck the theology! It's not like any of us actually believe any if it any way.'
CURATOR, 'Thanks for understanding.'
(BEAT)
CURATOR, ‘The last guy was a real dick and balls guy about it.’]
Art historian David Freedberg said of Heemskerck’s Jesus.
24 [FREEDBERG, ‘overly explicit musculature that annoys people.’]
[JUDE, 'Annoys people who don't like penises!'
(BEAT)
JUDE, ‘Or maybe…’]
25 [FREEDBERG, ‘Get god’s cock out of my mouth! I mean face! Get god’s junk out of my face. Eyes! Eyes! His dick is in my eyes and I can’t stop looking. It’s the only thing I can look at in the room. It’s like it’s following me. I try to look away. But I can’t. When I close my eyes I still see it.’]
So I guess we’re in the Renaissance now so let’s push through. This is where sexy Jesus really went viral.
[JUDE, 'I just think those whacky Italians got their description of Jesus mixed up up between 'ascetic and aesthetic.'?]
26 [CURATOR, 'Leonardo, did you understand what we meant by depicting Jesus as an ascetic? You know, disciplined, rejecting materialism and living in a permanent state of austerity and self denial?'
LEONARDO, 'Oh no, I understood you. No one's going to line up for two hours at the Louvre to look at that! So I’ve done it my way.'
(BEAT)
LEONARDO, ‘Also, for the record. I like to draw the dick and the balls!’]
One of the earliest Jesus paintings Leonardo da Vinci worked on was ‘The Baptism of Christ’. He worked on this painting sometime around 1470 with his master, Andrea del Verrocchio [p: an-DREE-uh del vuh-ROK-ee-oh ]. The Christ in this painting has the feminine pose, the abs and a tiny loin cloth hung so low it skims the top of his pubes.
27 [VERROCCHIO, 'I don't know what great art works or ideas you will one day give the world Leonardo. But I know the thing you will be the most famous for is what you have done here today. You have invented the snail trail!']
One of Leonardo’s most famous depictions of Christ is ‘Salvator Mundi’ which recently sold at auction for $450 million.
[JUDE, 'That’s way too much to pay for a picture of someone who never even existed!']
This painting is just a medium close up portrait. Very similar in composition to the Mona Lisa. It has been criticised from day one for showing the lord as being very effeminate. Jesus is also wearing a low cut feminine looking top that almost gives him cleavage?
28 [JESUS, 'My eyes are up here!']
In 1514 the other Ninja Turtle, Michelangelo began work on a piece for the church of Santa Maria sopra Minerva in Rome. This marble sculpture depicts a FULLY NAKED gym bod Jesus holding a crucifix. It is called, 'The Risen Christ’!
[JUDE, 'Yeah he is!']
29 [JESUS, ‘Sorry! I often wake up like this.’]
Sadly a bronze loincloth was added in 1546 covering the messiah’s manhood.
[JUDE, ‘Aww!’]
There is a flaccid yet ironically hard as marble dick under that bronze.
30 [WOMAN, *excited*'Ooh! What’s this I can feel under your loin cloth?'
(BEAT)
WOMAN, *disappointed*'Oh.'
COA, 'How disappointing.']
Probably Michelangelo’s most famous depiction of the lord, is ‘The Last judgement’ on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Michelangelo painted a muscular, BEARDLESS and NAKED Jesus! You could see ALL his bits.
31 [CARDINAL, 'Tell me Michelangelo, what am I looking at here?'
MICHELANGELO, 'The Christ's cock.'
CARDINAL, 'IS that what worshippers want to see when they come here to the Sistine Chapel?'
MICHELANGELO, 'Totally!'
CARDINAL, 'Hmm, agree to disagree.'
MICHELANGELO, ‘Full disclosure. I like to draw the dick and the balls!’]
This painting received criticism from within the Vatican immediately. One official claimed it belonged in a tavern not the holiest of holy’s.
[JUDE, 'If you put a picture of Jesus up in a pub, someone would draw a dick n balls on it anyway!']
[COA, ‘Irony.’]
This resistance to the saviour’s doodle initiated a palace coup styled insurgency known as the ‘Fig Leaf Campaign’. Which in turn resulted in Michelangelo’s apprentice Daniele da Volterra [p: dah-NYEH-leh dah vohl-TEHR-rah] being hired to paint over the Christ’s trouser snake.
32 [DANIELE, 'Sure, I can fix this up for you. But someone's just going come along with a texta and draw a dick n balls on it anyway.'
CARDINAL, 'Why do you think we put it on the ceiling?']
The British Museum holds some chalk sketches by Michelangelo of muscle bound Christ on the cross, in that feminine pose and once again a mere wisp of semi transparent cloth covering the lord’s beef thermometer.
33 [VERY BRITISH MUSEUM CURATOR, 'I say old chap? Is that the lord's todger?'
VERY BRITISH MUSEUM ASSISTANT, 'Oh I'm terribly sorry old chap! That’s merely a piece of my crumpet.']
And this formula of the practically naked but for flowing cloth pointing to the ‘happy trail’ muscular Jesus has remained a norm ever since.
34 [TEACHER, 'Now children, can anyone tell me the most important fact about the ancient ritualistic judicial punishment of crucifixion?'
STUDENT, 'It's very sexy.']
Beefcake lamb of god has become ubiquitous in churches and cathedrals all across Christendom. So much so, there are many accounts of teenagers having their personal sexual awakenings sitting in the pews gazing upon the rock hard abs of their lord and saviour.
35 [TEEN, 'Yo Jesus? You up?']
Of course we’ve seen it in films as well. The actor Diogo Morgad [p: dee-OH-goo mor-GAH-doo] was dubbed ‘Hot Jesus’ by the media after his performance in 2014’s ‘Son of God’.
36 [REPORTER, 'Diogo do you think you learned any important moral or theological lessons playing the Christ?'
MORGAD, 'Oh most definitely! I learned, carbs are the Devil and never miss leg day.']
So I think it was strange that as late as 2024 a new ‘Sexy Jesus’ caused public outrage.
[JUDE, 'Maybe the outrage was the Jesus in question wasn't sexy enough?']
Well we'll see. Artist Salustiano García Cruz [p: sah-loos-tee-AH-noh gar-SEE-ah krooz] who mostly just goes by Garcia, was commissioned to create a poster to advertise Holy Week in Seville, Spain by The Council of Brotherhoods. Cruz used his own adult son for the model.
[JUDE, 'I'll return to my first point, maybe Garcia's son is a real boner killer.']
No, he's very handsome and Garcia produced exactly the image we’ve been talking about all episode. Half naked, effeminate pose, muscular, strategically and enticingly placed loin cloth. NOTHING NEW TO SEE HERE. And people lost their shit.
37 [QUESTION, 'Do you have any plans for the day?'
CYNIC, 'Yeah I'm going to manipulate the algorithm by manufacturing some outrage and going on line to be agreed with by a bunch of other people and bots also pretending to be upset.'
(BEAT)
CYNIC, ‘What about you? Do you have any plans.’
QUESTION, 'Yeah I mostly I’m just gonna kick back, relax and draw the dick and the balls!']
Local leader of the far right Vox party, Javier Navarro, not the soccer player, said.
38 [NAVARRO, ‘It's clear this poster was intended to provoke, and the Council has allowed it.’]
[JUDE, ‘Intended to provoke erections! Am I right? This guy gets it.’]
Pablo Hertfelder García-Conde [p: PAH-bloh ert-FEL-der gar-SEE-ah KON-deh] from the conservative Catholic ‘Instituto de Política Social’ described the poster as an ‘aberration’.
[JUDE, ‘Aren’t ALL depictions of Jesus ‘aberrations’?’]
It’s like the second commanment.
39 [GARCIA, ‘What can I say? I love to draw the dick and the balls!’]
Within days of its release a petition with twenty four thousand signatures had been submitted for its removal.
40 [PETITION, 'Hi, have you seen the poster for Holy Week by Garcia?'
SIGNER, 'I sure have!'
PETITION, 'Will you sign this petition to have it removed?'
SIGNER, 'Remove what? Like remove the loin cloth? Yeah I'll sign that!'
PETITION, 'No not remove the... yes yes, we want to see that sweet, sweet god dong.'
SIGNER, 'Fuck yeah! I love the dick and the balls!']
Political scientist Rafa López said.
41 [LOPEZ, ‘Those who are scandalized by the Holy Week poster in Seville do so not because it is a tradition, but because they are deeply racist and homophobic.’]
[JUDE, 'I imagine there would be some racists who aren’t deeply homophobic and some homophobes who aren’t deeply racist. That must be tough for them.']
42 [HOMOPHOBE, ‘Hi! I’m here handing out flyers for Gaybashers Against Racism. Love to see you at the pro immigration rally on Saturday. Let the straight browns in. Stay Straight and Fight Racism!’]
Garcia himself responded to these ‘deeply racist and homophobic’ critics.
43 [GARCIA, ‘To see sexuality in my image of Christ, you must be sick.’]
[JUDE, ‘I think we can all agree, he knew what he was doing.’]
Well he did also say he hadn’t done anything that...
44 [GARCIA, ‘has not already been represented in artworks dating back hundreds of years.’]
[JUDE, ‘Now THAT is true.’]
His best rebuttal came in an interview with El Mundo where Garcia said.
45 [GARCIA, ‘They say he looks gay. In 2024, using homosexuality as a weapon, I am convinced Jesus Christ wouldn’t like that.’
LEXI, 'Do you know what else Jesus Christ wouldn't like?'
JUDE, 'Is it this podcast?'
LEXI, 'Lucky guess.'
(BEAT)
LEXI, 'If you really are against deeply racist and homophobic Christians like you claim on social media, you should…'
DEMON, 'Go to patreon...'
LEXI, 'And support the show. Don’t make us use homosexuality as a weapon!'
JUDE, ‘Did you know if you were gay, you’d be nine percent wealthier?’
LEXI, ‘I think about that every single day.’]
[JUDE, ‘What can we take away from this sexy look at the OG JILF?’]
The Bible itself has more sex in it that an edition of Playboy.
46 [DIDDLER, ‘I read Playboy for the articles!’
(BEAT)
DIDDLER, ‘If I want a wank, I’ll read the Bible.’]
Catholic clergy are meant to be celibate for no good reason. Nun’s believe themselves to be brides of Christ. Definitely not lying or suffering from mental health issues, Saint Catherine of Siena claimed to have married Jesus in her bedroom and took the lord’s still bleeding foreskin as her wedding ring!
[SATAN, 'Just a note. As a general rule, the ladies prefer diamonds.']
[JUDE, 'The old makeshift wedding ring. It's a story as old as time. A dude gets himself in a situation where he's not actually prepared for a proposal and shenanigans ensue.']
47 [CATHERINE, 'Oh Jesus even though you forgot my birthday today, you've still made me the happiest woman in the universe!'
(BEAT)
CATHERINE, 'Where's the ring?'
JESUS, 'Oh. Um, hang on. *sighs*'
SFX MEAT CLEAVER CUTTING MEAT
JESUS, 'Oooooooohhhhh!']
And the other Christian denominations are just as concerned about what you do and who you do it with. Christians are obsessed with sex.
48 [HAT BACKWARDS YOUTH PASTOR, 'Yo, yo, yo! What up dawg? We're not like those controlling Catholics. No man of flesh and blood can get between you and your personal relationship with the lord. Tru dat my homie.'
(BEAT)
HAT BACKWARDS YOUTH PASTOR, 'Here's 4000 pages of doctrinal prescriptions of exactly how you must conduct that personal relationship with Jesus. And don't be gay.']
Whenever you get a group of grown ass adults together and make them all concentrate really hard on NOT having sex with each other, weird shit is going to happen. And that’s why Satan is my Superhero.
