01 [MOSES, ‘Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.’
CHRISTIAN, ‘Is that like a hard no on the images or is there some wriggle room?’
MOSES, ‘It’s like the second commandment, depending on which ten of the twelve that are really only 7 or 8 because 2 or 3 are really just the same thing. But YES! It’s super important! YHWH did not fuck around, he put it up front. He did not mince the words it’s right there in plain English! Thou shalt not make unto thee ANY graven image!!!!!!’
CHRISTIAN, ‘Okay, but what if we make Jesus white?’]
In this episode we deal with man’s eternal dilemma. How to be a white supremacist who worships a Jewish person of colour?
05 [SFX DOOR OPEN
AIDE, 'Sir, we've just received pictorial evidence. Jesus wasn't white.'
BOSS, 'Understood.'
AIDE, 'Is that going to be a problem?'
BOSS, 'What? No! Are you crazy? Why would that matter? No, no, no not a problem at all.'
(BEAT)
BOSS, 'Can I have a moment?'
AIDE, 'Of course.'
SFX DOOR CLOSE
BOSS, *muffled* 'Fuck!']
If there was an an actual Jesus, he was Jewish and born in Roman Palestine. He was very definitely a person of colour.
[JUDE, ‘That colour being brown.’]
Is that really necessary…
[JUDE, ‘Yes. I think it’s important to point out at all times, Jesus was a brown gentleman, in a gown. NOT a white dude in a nappy, with abs.’]
And what are the abs about anyway?
[JUDE, ‘I think we should investigate the Christ’s abs in the next episode.’]
Deal!
[JUDE, ‘You agreed way too fast!’]
Well anyway, it turns out abs or not, some of these ignorant bigots DO have a problem with a brown Jesus. This has led to many attempts to white him up.
03 [MARKETING, 'Hi it’s Marketing here. Can we get 'Jay' that's what we're calling him now. Can we get Jay in a beige cardigan sipping a pumpkin spice latte and swaying from one side to side listening to Dave Matthews?']
Let’s start in the most obvious place. Obviously ALL the artwork you’ve ever seen features a white Jesus. But was JC always white?
[JUDE, 'He might had that thing that Michael Jackson had.']
Paedophilia?
[JUDE, 'No! Nonsegmental Vitiligo. Not all white men are pedos you know.']
The oldest known artistic depiction of Jesus dates to around two thirty five of the common era. It’s in a fresco found on the wall of an early house church in Syria. Dubbed ‘The Healing the Paralytic’.
04 [AUSSIE TRADIE, ‘Fuck me! I’ve drunk too much. I’m paralytic. Get Jesus.’]
‘The Healing the Paralytic’ shows Jesus as a beardless man with short hair, wearing a cloak.
[JUDE, ‘Short hair? Pfft! Not my Jesus.’]
And it’s practically stick figures, there’s no colour. So that one was a bust.
[COA, ‘How disappointing.’]
BUT I did track down a 4th century painting where a skin colour choice was made. This technicolor marvel is in the Catacomb of Saints Marcellinus and Peter on the Via Labicana in Rome. It depicts Jesus standing between Peter and Paul with four other human figures below worshipping them. ALL SEVEN human like beings in the image are, drum roll please.
[DRUM ROLL]
Brown. Very brown. Brown as the day is long.
[CROWD, ‘Yay!’
LONER, ‘That’s nice.’]
The next painting I could find where I felt a conscious choice in skin colour was made is a sixth century version of, ‘Christ Pantocrator ‘.
[JUDE, ‘Pantocrator? Is that Latin for Cameltoe?’]
No it’s Greek for ‘almighty’.
[JUDE, ‘That doesn’t mean it’s NOT camel toe in Latin.’]
In this weird straight to camera medium close up. The Christ has different expressions on either side of his face.
[JUDE, ‘Did the artist fuck up?’]
Well, allegedly this is on purpose, to emphasis his dual nature as human AND divine.
[JUDE, ‘That sounds like a made up story to me.’]
06 [MANAGER, ‘Did you finish that piece for the Patriarch? He will blind us both if we miss that deadline again.’
ARTIST, ‘Yes I’ve finished it, but…’
MANAGER, ‘Why is one side of the lord’s face different from the other?’
ARTIST, ‘I got paralytic alright!’
MANAGER, ‘You were drunk?’
ARTIST, ‘That’s not important right now.’
MANAGER, ‘Oh my god! I’m gonna be blinded because of you!’
ARTIST, ‘You’re focusing on the wrong thing right now.’
MANAGER, ‘Focusing? Is that some kind of imminent blinding joke?’
ARTIST, ‘Poor choice of words. Look…
MANAGER, ‘Look?’
ARTIST, ‘Listen! Right now we have to cover our arses. Right now we have to come up with a story!’]
Currently held in Egypt but of Byzantine origin this particular painting depicts a white Jesus with BROWN eyes.
[JUDE, ‘So he’s white by the sixth century then?’]
Just like the Greek dude who either painted or commissioned it. Yes by the sixth century Jesus is pretty white. But I don’t know if we can always hit the racism button with this early stuff.
[JUDE, ‘I never get to push ANY buttons!’]
It’s normal for artists to represent themselves or the people they’re trying to appeal to in their art.
07 [ARTSY, ‘Something about this portrait really captures my eye. There’s an understated elegance. An ephemeral quality I can’t quite put my finger on. I find the beauty in this vista intoxicating.’
AUSSIE, ‘Mate! You’re looking in the fucking mirror!’]
Think about The Lord of the Rings. All the Hobbits who aren’t even human beings are clearly Englishmen like J.R.R. Tolkein. Hell ALL of the characters in that book are ENGLISH MEN even the women!
08 [GALADRIEL, 'Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.'
(BEAT)
GALADRIEL, 'Now who's ready for a nice cup of tea and a lively, animated discussion about the weather?'
(BEAT)
GALADRIEL, ‘I’ll start. It’s raining.’]
AND to add to my narcissism is normal in art hypothesis, the Coptic Church, arguably the oldest church and based in AFRICA has always depicted Jesus and the disciples as black.
09 [BILLYHILL, ‘I’m sorry kids, looks like the trip to Africa is off. There are things there you can NEVER see!’]
There are Asian churches who’s graphic depictions of the Christ show a dude who should be opening the batting for Pakistan.
10 [BENAUD, 'And stepping up to the crease we have, Jesus Horatio Christ. Some are saying this promising young player could one day rival Bradman.'
COLOUR COMMENTATOR, 'Wash your mouth out with soap! That is blasphemy!'
BENAUD, 'Oh my lord what have I said? Please forgive me 'The Don'!’]
The point is, the white Jesus WE see everywhere in the west isn’t the whole story. And while that image IS used and propagated by and for racists. It would be incorrect to assume every ethnically incorrect depiction of the universal god of all of the universe was originally meant as a racist flex.
11 [MANAGER, ‘Nazi’s are using your image of the lord again.’
ARTIST, ‘God dammit! Those racist pieces of shit!’
(BEAT)
ARTIST, ‘Did they…’
MANAGER, ‘Yes they paid the licensing fee.’
ARTIST, ‘Welp, gotta eat right!’]
So while not all depictions of White Jesus originate with White Supremacists. All White Supremacists use depictions of White Jesus. Can you see the obvious problem?
[JUDE, ‘Jesus wasn’t white!’]
Jesus wasn’t white. But what if maybe he was? What if MAYBE every real cool dude in the bible was white? What if it‘s all a lie?
[SATAN, ‘It IS all a lie? It’s the bible?’]
Let’s begin with ‘British Israelism’
[JUDE, ‘Is that J.R.R. Tokein’s version of Judaism?’]
It might as well be! No this is a disappointingly large and broad collection of MANY different groups throughout the British Empire and US. Who since the early nineteenth century have been publishing ‘work’ on the theory, nay ‘divinley inspired making stuff up’ that the people of the British Isles are descended from ‘The Ten Lost Tribes of Israel’.
[JUDE, ‘Israel lost ten tribes?’]
No. We know what happened to them. They were conquered by the Assyrians, split up and relocated to other parts of the Assyrian empire. They just assimilated into the local diaspora. It’s not that they stopped identifying as Israelites. But as second class citizens or slaves in foreign lands, those tribal identities didn’t mean much anymore.
[JUDE, 'I guarantee no matter how desperate things got there were still arseholes who cared which tribe you were from.']
12 [KAREN, 'Excuse me Sargon II, I don't care how you subjugate the other Israelites. I put the self in self loathing Jew. But I'M From the tribe of Dan. You need to treat me better.'
SARGON II, 'No I don't.'
KAREN, 'You can't speak to me this way! I know the owner!'
SARGON II, 'The what?'
KAREN, 'That’s it! I'm calling the police.'
SARGON II, 'What’s a police?'
KAREN, 'I want to speak to your manager!'
SARGON II, 'My manag...I'm šar šarrāni, the king of kings you fuckwit.'
KAREN, 'I know my rights!'
SARGON II, 'I don't think you do.']
British Israelites have a fantasy that at least one of these Ten Lost Tribes of Israel actually remained somewhat intact and made it’s way to the very edge of the world itself. What we today call Scotland.
13 [SCOTTISH FOLLOWER, 'I know we said we'd find a place the Assyrians would never come looking for us. But we canny live HERE!'
SCOTTISH LEADER, 'Aye, I hear that. How about a compromise. We put up with the wind, the rain and the English. BUT we're allowed to deep fry our chocolate bars and the men can wear skirts which no one is allowed to refer to as the skirts they so clearly are.']
Writing on The Association of the Covenant People’s website, Pastor Alan Campbell claims Gildas the Wise described Celts as Israelites as early as the sixth century.
14 [JJ, ‘Did he though?’]
Gildas the Wise did describe the Celts of the British Isles as Israelites. As in he ‘likened’ their plight during the Saxon invasion of the sixth century to that of the Israelites in the Bible. I.E. a very clear and pronounced and in no way trying to fool anyone literary metaphor.
[JUDE, ‘Pastor Alan Campbell was fooled.’]
REPLAY: [JJ, ‘Was he though?’]
No. He was just being dishonest.
[JUDE, ‘I would expect more from a man of the cloth!’]
15 [JJ, ‘Would you though?’]
[JUDE, ‘No.’]
The earliest legitimate written mention of Celts being a lost tribe of Israel provided by Campbell is in the form of an early fourteenth century letter/declaration. The following statement was signed by a bunch of Scottish nobles in their plea for the Pope to recognise Scotland as a distinct and separate nation from England.
16 [HIGHLANDER, ‘Dear Popey, the English stink!’]
[JUDE, ‘Sorry. Couldn’t resist. Here’s the real statement.’]
17 [HIGHLANDER, ‘We know and from the chronicles and books of the ancients gather, that the nation of the Scots passing from the greater Scythia through the Mediterranean Sea and the Pillars of Hercules (Straits of Gibraltar) and sojourning in Spain … and convey there one thousand two hundred years after the outgoing of the people of Israel.’]
So there’s your…
[COA, ‘Air quotes.’]
...proof.
[JUDE, 'Sounds like…'
ERIC, 'Bullshit.'
JUDE, '...to me.']
Don’t worry we’ve got more and we’re going to expand our borders just a little bit. We’re going to bring in the broader phrase ‘Anglo Israelism’.
[JUDE, 'Good coz British just didn't sound white ENOUGH for me!']
Possibly the earliest published in depth work on the subject came in a 1590 publication titled, ‘The Ten Lost Tribes Found’ from Pierre Le Loyer. A French Magistrate and renowned Demonologist.
[JUDE, 'I feel like the demonology kind of detracts from his credibility.']
Let’s see if he can win you over with his scholarship. In ‘The Ten Lost Tribes Found’ Le Loyer argued ALL the whites come from the ten lost tribes.
18 [OPRAH LOYER, 'You get to be Jew! You get to be Jew! Everybody gets to be Jew!’]
In his followup book Le Loyer argued descendants of Esau colonised his part of France. These would be the Edomites. The Edomites ARE in the Bible. But are very definitely NOT one of the ten lost tribes. So how’s Le Loyer going winning you over with his scholarship?
[JUDE, ‘On par with every other apologist who’s ever existed.’]
19 [SKEP, 'Excuse me Pierre, have you actually read the Bible?'
LOYER, *condescending* 'Um I'm a Christian.'
(BEAT)
LOYER, *embarrassed* 'So no.']
Another founding document in British/Anglo Israelism is ‘The Rights of the Kingdom’. Published in 1649 by John Sadler. Sadler was a lawyer, Constitutional Theorist, Town Clerk of London and held a seat on Oliver Cromwell’s ‘Committee for Lunatics’.
[JUDE, 'Are you sure that's not a typo and he was actually on Cromwell's Committee OF Lunatics?']
20 [SADLER, ‘We’re mad I tell you, mad! We threw off the shackles of a morally inexcusable, tragically inefficient and criminally inept form of overlordship. In the hope we might determine our own paths through our one and only fleeting moment of conscious experience. It’s insane! I do pray we return to our senses and put some inbred buffoon back in charge. We need to be ruled over a syphilis ridden nepobaby whose only claim to lordship is his ancestors were conniving back stabbing greedy thugs. Oh we’re mad as bloody hatters.’
(BEAT)
SADLER, ‘Now who's ready for a nice cup of tea and a lively, animated discussion about the weather?'
(BEAT)
SADLER, ‘I’ll start. It’s raining.’]
In ‘The Rights of the Kingdom’, Constitutional Theorist Sadler argues much Anglo-Saxon, Norman and Celtic law is derived from Hebrew sources.
21 [CROMWELL, ‘I say Sadler old chap, if what you’re saying is true then we may well have to get ourselves circumcised!’
SADLER, ‘Uuuummm, weeellll, I… um.. it’s still just theory at this stage!’]
Sadler makes etymological claims about the word Britain. He says it’s derived from the Hebrew for ‘the field of tin and lead’.
22 [SCOTTISH FOLLOWER, ‘What shall we call this place?’
SCOTTISH LEADER, ‘The Field of Rain and Sleet.’
SCOTTISH FOLLOWER, ‘We’ll workshop it.’]
Sadler reckons Phoenician traders brought the name with the tin and lead back to the Mediterranean.
23 [TRADER, ‘What did you trade for the tin and lead with the Briton’s?’
PHOENICIAN, ‘Well certainly not any spices! I can tell you that for nothing.’]
In 1816 a ‘Reverend B. Murphy’ published ‘Precursory Proofs that the Israelites came into Egypt and Ireland.’ In it the good Reverend claimed that the Israelites came into Egypt and Ireland.
[JUDE, ‘Ha, ha! ‘Came into’.’]
24 [IRISH, ‘Holy feckin’ shite Paddy! Do you see those feckin’ great triangles in the desert?’
PADDY, ‘I do! Let’s just keep going North West until there’s nothin’ but ocean in front of us.’
IRISH, ‘Okay. But first I’ve got to have a wank.’]
In 1840, self taught ‘historian’…
25 [WILSON, ‘I do my own research!’]
John Wilson published what some describe as the defining text of British Israelism, ‘Our Israelitish Origin’. This book encapsulated his lectures on the journey through Europe by the lost tribes of Israel.
26 [REPORTER, ‘Mr Wilson, when you came up with the word ‘Israelitish’ did you know then just how stupid it would sound now?’]
Wilson claimed Britain had been settled by the Tribe of Ephraim because Biblical prophecy had promised the Tribe of Ephraim would become a ‘multitude of nations’. In 1840 this promise was indeed coming true for the British Empire. So they must be the Tribe of Ephraim!
27 [QUEEN VICTORIA, ‘I say old chap, I’m terribly conflicted over all this subduing and subjugating technologically inferior peoples to make ourselves filthy rich. I FEEL like it’s perhaps, not Christian?’
WILSON, ‘Oh don’t worry that ma’am. Christian is what Christian do.’
QUEEN VICTORIA, ‘I’m sorry I don’t know what that means…’
WILSON, ‘I’ll just make something up that explains it IS Christian and anyone who disagrees is an evil satanic communist.’
QUEEN VICTORIA, ‘Oh right yes of course. Very clever. We must remember to use that trick again in the future.’
WILSON, ‘Oh we will.’]
‘Self taught’ historian John Wilson didn’t just arbitrarily attribute biblical prophecy to arbitrary unrelated entities to prove his theory. No! He was also a ‘self taught’ linguist and he had noticed lots of words in the Celtic and Anglo-Saxon languages sounded like words in Hebrew.
[JUDE, ‘So like the Celtic word for say penguin is similar to the Hebrew word for penguin?’]
Neither of them would have a word for peng… No. ‘self taught’ linguist Wilson mainly just noticed words that sounded similar in general.
28 [WILSON, ‘You see the Gaelic word for bottom or backside is ‘Toin’ while the Hebrew word for serpent or jackal is ‘Tun’. Can you hear how they sound similar?’
REPORTER, ‘Yes but they just SOUND similar! That must happen across ALL languages.’
WILSON, ‘What?’
REPORTER, ‘Yeah! In fact while I’ve given it 4 seconds thought, it would be implausible to think there’s a single language that DOESN’T share sounds with every single other language and dialect in the entire world.’
WILSON, ‘Evil satanic communist!’]
At the turn of the twentieth century, inspired by Wilson’s dumb book, Retired Civil Servant and dumb person Edward Wheler Bird, led an ‘archaeological’ dig into Ireland’s sacred Hill of Tara.
29 [BIRD, ‘I promise I’ll be very careful.’]
This neolithic burial site was where the High Kings of Ireland in ancient times were crowned.
30 [IRISH DRUID, ‘With all the powers of which ever forest deity we’re scamming the poors with this week I pronounce you, High King of these lands.’
(BEAT)
IRISH DRUID, ‘That’ll be four sheep, ‘Your Majesty’.
IRISH KING, ‘My dah only paid two for his crowning ceremony you crafty old Druid!’
IRISH DRUID, ‘Aye that he did. He also died shite-ing his insides out all over Dún Aonghasa.’
IRISH KING, ‘Four sheep it is then.’]
Retired Civil Servant and dumb person Edward Wheler Bird’s ‘archaeology’ was less than professional.
31 [BIRD, ‘I never promised I’d be careful!’]
To this day what Bird did is described as ‘irreparable vandalism’. Also Bird and his cohort of British Israelites were not embraced by the Irish locals at the time.
32 [IRISH PADDY, ‘These fecken’ pommy bastards think we’re Jews! A hardy minority group surviving against all odds while being oppressed by an aggressive self righteous coloniser.’
IRISH HYDE, ‘That sounds more like we’re the Palestinians to me.’]
There were wild protests and future First President of Ireland Douglas Hyde was forced away from the site at gunpoint.
33 [BIRD, ‘Away you scoundrel or I’ll shoot. I’m a damned fine shot I’ll have you know! Many a pheasant has graced my dinner table to prove it.’
IRISH HYDE, ‘Okay. But just promise me you’ll stop encroaching on the West Bank.’
BIRD, ‘What?’
IRISH HYDE, ‘Don’t worry about it. Inside joke.’]
But Judas, you’ve haven’t asked the most obvious question yet!
[JUDE, ‘What kind of moustache was 1901 Douglas Hyde rocking?’]
Think walrus tusks. But no the most obvious question is, ‘what was Bird looking for?’
[JUDE, ‘The same thing Bono was looking for in ‘I Still haven’t Found What I’m Looking For!’]
No. But inspired by Wilson’s dumb book, dumb Bird was looking for, drum roll please.
[DRUM ROLL]
The Ark of the Covenant!
[SFX PARTY WHISTLE]
[JUDE, ‘In Ireland.’]
34 [BIRD, ‘You’re not going to believe me when I tell you old chap. But we didn’t find it!’]
Running around town at the same time as Bird was another big name in the White Israelite game, Edward Hine. Hine published books, magazines and journals on the subject while founding a number of Anglo Israelite organisations. He’s probably most responsible for getting the movement moving in America. Where it took a turn.
35 [BILLYHILL, ‘Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Are you telling me Jesus was ‘murican?’
HINE, ‘Um well no that’s not what I…’
BILLYHILL, ‘Coz, that’s what I’m hearin! Jesus was a red blooded WHITE ‘murican patriot!’
HINE, ‘Ah no I think you’ve..’
BILLYHILL, ‘Patriot who believes in borders.’]
Let’s be clear. The ultimate motivation for all of this is racism. But some of the people mentioned claimed they believed in setting up a Jewish homeland in Britain and fulfilling Biblical Prophecy.
[JUDE, ‘That ‘Biblical Prophecy’ being Armageddon.’]
I didn’t say they were ‘good’ people. I’m saying many mentioned so far were proponents of the evangelical view. The Jews just didn’t hear Jesus properly. But with some gentle prodding they’ll come around. In fact converting the Jews could be seen as the CORE mission.
36 [JESUS, ‘Here’s the plan guys. We get all the Jews on side. I crash land sword in mouth. Bulldoze all of it. Erect ‘Jesus Tower’. It’ll be all gold. Believe me, it’ll be tremendous. We just chill for a thousand years and then we let Satan out and enjoy the fireworks.’]
In the American version of Anglo Israelism, there’s no gentle prodding.
37 [BILLYHILL, ‘I call it like I see it. They done murdered sweet baby Jesus. It says it in the book.’
(BEAT)
BILLYHILL, ‘I ain’t personally read it. But I been told!’]
In ‘the land of the free’ Anglo Israelism spawned ‘Christian Identity’. Same as Anglo Israelism, all the whites are the REAL Israelites. But the American innovation is that the Jews are ACTUALLY the Canaanites!
[DUNT DUNT DAH
BANDIT, ‘Wow! I didn’t see that coming!’]
Thank you America. You have squared the circle and now we CAN have antisemitic Christians that make sense!
38 [BILLYHILL, ‘So just let me clarify. I’m not worshipping a Jew. He’s a Canaanite and I’M the Jew?’
(BEAT)
BILLYHILL, ‘Dang! I think our racism has done tied us in an impossible knot of bullshit!’]
This Christian Identity Theology has been adopted by the Ku Klux Klan and the Aryan Nation.
[JUDE, ‘That might be the very first sign, it’s not going to stand up to any kind of academic rigour or even a spellcheck.’]
It has in turn contributed to Dominionism, Christian Nationalism and the Christofacism of MAGA.
39 [TRUMP, ‘Here’s the plan guys. We get all the Jews on side. I crash land sword in mouth. Bulldoze all of it. Erect ‘Trump Tower’. It’ll be all gold. Believe me, it’ll be tremendous. We just chill for a thousand years and then we let Epstein out and enjoy the teenagers.’]
[JUDE, ‘It’s all fine and dandy to somehow prove the whites constitute the lost tribes of Israel. How does that get us a white Jesus? Those ten tribes are nearly a thousand years removed from him.’]
Jesus once said, ‘If you can’t bring the mountain to Mohamed, bring Mohamed to the mountain.’ People think it’s the other way round. But that would make no sense. You can’t move a mountain! The point is, in this version of Anglo Israelism you don’t try and make Jesus white. You make the whole Bible white! They’re all white. Noah, Moses, David, white, white, white.
40 [JUDE, ‘Lexi I’m white. Does that get me a discount on our Patreon?’
LEXI, ‘No. But thank you for trying what should have seemed very obviously a problematic segue.’
JUDE, ‘You’re welcome.’
LEXI, ‘If you’ve been paying attention to this episode you should have noticed by now there’s a certain group of individuals from the 1930s and 40s who would have been VERY excited by a European Jesus! Why didn’t we talk about those guys?’
JUDE, ‘Our episodes get banned every time we do!’
LEXI, ‘That is correct. We have it in writing from YouTube this particular group is a ‘protected class’. So if you want to hear about how this ‘protected class’ interpret a White Jesus...
DEMON, ‘Go to patreon.com/satanismysuperhero.’
ANNOUNCER, ‘Now with added crazies!’
SATAN, ‘I didn’t agree to that.’]
[JUDE, ‘What can we take away from our search for White Jesus?’]
There IS an evil conspiracy founded by a cabal of Jews running half the world right now. It's called Christianity! And that’s why Satan is my Superhero.
