Edgar Allan Poe | Satanic Poet

Poe: father of American horror, pioneer of the macabre, and — according to at least one theory — a man who caught rabies from drinking bat blood at a Satanic ritual before his final, chaotic hours in Baltimore. Unfortunately, the official data also suggests 66.6% of poets are child molesters, and Poe is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that statistic.

This episode, Satan Is My Superhero shines its black light on one of gothic literature's most influential weirdos. We cover the Faustian bargains, the occult obsessions, the time Satan literally refused someone's soul because Hell was already well-stocked, and the genuinely unhinged theories about how Poe died. We also cover the cousin. We cover the cousin extensively.

Tightly scripted. Fully produced. Deeply uncomfortable about poets as a category.

Look, if you've made it this far, you already know you're one of us — the kind of person who started this episode thinking "interesting literary history" and ended it reconsidering the entire genre of poetry.

Patreon supporters get two bonus episodes a month, early ad-free access, plus exclusive extras including music videos, audiobooks, and behind-the-scenes content that probably contains more facts about dead creeps than anyone needs.(Satan is contractually obligated to inform you that 66.6% of Patreon members are NOT child molesters, and the ones who aren't poets are definitely fine.)
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CONTINUE THE JOURNEY - If this episode has left you with complicated feelings about canonical Western literature, good news — we've been here before. John Milton gets the Satan Is My Superhero treatment in episode 5 on Paradise Lost — the one that started the whole "Satan as misunderstood icon" conversation in English literature. And unlike Poe, Milton (as far as we know) kept his hands to himself. Which makes him officially the best poet in the SIMS data set, which frankly isn't saying much.
👉 Listen to PARADISE LOST | The Original Dark Lord Fanboy Here

 SAUCES- Primary sources, figures, and texts referenced in this episode:

• Le Duc de L'Omelette (1832) — Edgar Allan Poe
• Bon Bon (1832) — Edgar Allan Poe
• Silence — A Fable (1838) — Edgar Allan Poe
• Devil in the Belfry (1839) — Edgar Allan Poe
• Never Bet the Devil Your Head (1841) — Edgar Allan Poe
• Reverend George Bush, Professor of Hebrew and Oriental Literature, NYU (yes, that George Bush's ancestor; yes, we verified this)
  Further reading exists. It is extensive, peer-reviewed where possible, and organised in a system that made complete sense at 2am. A full bibliography is available on request, or you can just trust us — we're basically the Reverend George Bush of podcast research.

GET IN TOUCH - Got a story about a dead Victorian pervert, a weird local legend, a theory about how your favourite author made a Faustian deal, or just a burning need to defend the honour of poets everywhere?
📬 satanismysuperhero@gmail.com
Hate mail welcome. Fan mail mandatory. If you are a poet, please disclose this upfront so we can route your email appropriately.

Transcript

Did edgar allan poe write satanic literature? 
Is edgar allan poe satanic? 
Did edgar allen poe get kicked out of west point for fucking a goat?
I dont know, let’s find out!
Welcome to Satan is my Superhero.

In this episode we shine our black light on one of modern Satanic literature’s finest influences. Nineteenth century American poet Edgar Allen Poe.

[JUDE, 'That’s right kiddies. Poets used to be a thing AND no matter what you've been told, there were American ones.']

01 [BILLYHILL, 'I ain't no poet. I'm a real man and I know it.'

(BEAT)

BILLYHILL, 'Oh no! That rhymed!']

Edgar Poe was born in Boston in 1809. His dad left pretty much straight away.

02 [BILLYHILL, 'I ain't the pappy of no poet and I know it!'

(BEAT)

BILLYHILL, 'Oh no! That rhymed.']

And his mum passed away when he was just 2 years old. He was fostered by the Allen family. This is where the Allen in Edgar Allen Poe comes from.

[JUDE, ‘They sound nice.’]

The Allens were wealthy slave traders in Virginia.

[JUDE, ‘Oh.’]

03 [COA, ‘How disappointing.’

ALLEN, 'Welcome to our home Edgar. Everyone here is part of the family. Except for the dark skinned ones. We own them.'

COA, ‘Nothing to see here.’]

Poe went to University to study ancient and modern languages. While there he racked up massive gambling debts that his foster father refused to pay.

04 [ALLEN, 'This is tough love. I'm not an enabler. Any money I give that boy, he'll just spend on poetry supplies.']

This led to a bust up with his foster father and the young Poe dropped out of uni published his first book of poetry and enlisted in the U.S. Army in Boston under an assumed name. I’m guessing to hide out from his creditors.

[JUDE, ‘I’ve seen photos of Poe. He looks like a hot bath half a green apple would kill him. How did the ARMY work out for him?’]

Surprisingly well. In two years he went from Private to Sargent Major.

[JUDE, ‘Well my face is red.’]

It should be. The next part is where it starts to get weird. Two years into his five year enlistment Poe goes to his Commanding Officer and comes clean about his true identity. His commanding officer gives him an honourable discharge.

05 [POE, 'Sir I have a confession to make. These last two years have been a lie. I'm secretly a poet.'

COLONEL, 'My god man! Do you have any idea what you've done?']

Poe then kissed and made up with his foster father who I guess paid off those gambling debts. Poe then Published his second book of poetry.

[JUDE, ‘The difficult sophomore book. You’ve got a lifetime to write that first one and then 18 months to come with the next. You’re on the road, your life’s turned upside down. There’s the uppers to get on stage. There’s the downers to sleep. There’s the groupies...’]

Are you finished?

[JUDE, ‘Yep.’]

After publishing his difficult sophomore book of poetry, Poe went BACK to the Army! This time enrolling at West Point Military Academy. This time, NOT under an assumed name. I assume.

06 [POE, 'Reporting for duty, Edgar Allen Poe, previously enlisted under false and fraudulent pretences. Also reputed runaway, alcoholic and degenerate gambler.'

SOLDIER, 'Well at least you're not a poet.'

POE, *sheepish* ‘Aha.’]

While at West Point he lived with his aunt and her seven year old daughter Virginia.

[JUDE, ‘Oh Lexi. Why do you mention seven year old Virginia?’]

I think you know why.

[JUDE, ‘It’s not too late to change subjects. Could have done either of the Shelley’s. They never molested anyone. As far as we know.’]

We’re here now.

07 [BIG CHURCH CHOIR, ‘Let her cook.’]

Just six months into West Point, Poe had fallen out with his foster father again and simply refused to go to any classes or drills or church until he was court marshalled and expelled.

[JUDE, 'So reading between the lines, was West Point an attempt by the foster father to straighten out Poe?']

Maybe.

08 [ALLEN, 'Military school will beat the poetry out of him.']

Poe and his poetry must have been popular at West Point. His third book was crowd funded by his fellow cadets.

[JUDE, 'I feel like that act was not as charitable as it sounds.']

09 [CADET, 'Listen up my fellow cadets, colleagues, classmates and chums. If we each contribute five Yankee dollars, I believe we can rid ourselves of this awkward fellow Poe.']

At the age of 26 Poe was getting pieces published in different publications across the states and applying for a marriage licence marry his cousin Virginia.

10 [NOTARY, ‘Mr Poe, I’m just going over your application for a marriage licence here. Your wife to be seems to have filled out her section in crayon?’]

Now it’s not as bad as you think. Obviously this is years later. She’s not seven anymore!

[JUDE, ‘Oh! Phew.’]

She’s thirteen.

[JUDE, 'In the five years of this podcast we have done 13 individual episodes on different heavy metal bands. Sexual assault NOT mentioned once. One of those bands was Motley Crue Lexi. Motley fucking Crue! And no one was molested. This is our second much respected poet and we're two for two in creepy dude syndrome. Thirteen year old Judas finds this whole situation very satisfying.']

11 [HEADLEY, 'Falling! What’s all this demonic imagery all over your books and bag? Do you have any idea how immoral these satanic perverts are? What do you have to say for yourself?'

LILJUDAS, 'Nothing. You keep talking. Middle aged Judas is looking back on your khaki shorts, brown leather sandals over blue socks pulled right up to your knees and he feels so validated right now.']

We’ve also done John Milton and he wasn’t creepy.

[JUDE, ‘Okay then, according to OFFICIAL Satan is my Superhero data, 2 out of 3 poets are sickos.’]

12 [POET, ‘Echoing across the deserted moor,

Came the beast’s hideous roar,

It said ‘If you can rhyme,’

You’ll molest children 66.6% of the time.’]

Poe supported himself, his teenage bride aka his cousin and her mother aka his aunt by working as an editor for various periodicals and magazines in the antebellum North.

13 [POE, 'There is a lot of talk in the North these days about the morality of slavery. I would like to say as a man raised by slavers in the south, we are just as moral and ethical as everyone else. If you don't believe me ask my wife.'

(BEAT)

POE, 'Virginia darling, put your dolls down and come and say hello to the nice man.']

Over the next few years Poe was a very successful writer. Not necessarily financially. For example ‘The Raven’ was massive and made him a household name at the time.

14 [SOLDIER, 'I knew that lying bastard wasn’t a runaway, alcoholic, degenerate gambler who had previously enlisted under false and fraudulent pretences!']

Despite the nationwide exposure, Poe was paid just Nine Dollars for The Raven. Which in today’s money is like three hundred USD.

[JUDE, 'That’s still too much to pay for poetry.']

You're really down on poets in this episode?

[JUDE, 'Ah, yeah! They're child molesters!'

(BEAT)

JUDE, ‘66.6% of the time.’]

Poe had also lost work through being drunk on the job.

15 [BOSS, 'Poe! Are you drunk?'

POE, 'No! No. No! I'm just very drunk.']

And when he tried to parley his growing reputation as one of America’s most successful writers into a cushy government job, THAT WOULD PAY WELL, he got drunk and missed the meeting. 

16 [POE DRUNK, 'So let me run you through some of my employment history. I was assistant editor of the Southern Literary Messenger. I was assistant editor at Burton's Gentleman's Magazine, which sounds pornographic, but sadly wasn't. Then I was co-editor over at Graham's Magazine…'

STAFF, 'Sir, this is a Wendy’s!']

Poe was an alcoholic.

[JUDE, ‘We already knew that from the marrying his cousin part.’]

17 [PRIEST, 'Do you Edgar Allen Poe take Virginia Eliza Clemm for your, ahem "lawful" wife?'

POE DRUNK,  *hicup* ‘I plead not guilty your honour!']

Sadly at the age of twenty four Virginia died of tuberculosis.

18 [POE, 'To be honest, she was getting a bit long in the tooth.']

Over the next two years Poe spiralled into alcoholic abyss and on October Third 1849 was found semi conscious in Baltimore.

[JUDE, 'He got some bad heroin from Stringer Bell.']

Well he wasn't a day player on The Wire. However he did lie in a hospital bed for three days occasionally calling out…

19 [POE, ‘Reynolds!’]

[JUDE, 'Maybe it was Deadpool who got him!']

20 [SFX POE TAKING A BEATING

DEADPOOL, 'Take that paedophile! Eh! Maximum effort! Eh!']

And according to the doctor, Poe’s alleged last words were…

21 [POE, ‘Lord help my poor soul.’]

[JUDE, 'He had good reason to be concerned.']

22 [PRIEST, 'Hello Edgar. I'm Father Tom, I'm here to offer pastoral care until... well until you pass.'

POE, 'Oh Father, there's no way I'm getting into Heaven. I married my 13 year old cousin whom I had been grooming since the age of seven.'

PRIEST, 'Hmm, I can see why you feel you have good reason to be concerned. But can I just ask, is the Bible the source and universal authority on morality?'

POE, 'Well yes of course.'

PRIEST, 'Excellent! Now if you could just take to the page in the source and universal authority on morality that covers paedophilia?'

POE, 'I don't think the Bible’s particularly clear on the subject??'

PRIEST, 'And now Edgar, you know why I could NEVER be an atheist.']

To this day no one knows the cause of death. Which is awesome for theories. So there have been many, many theories. The most reputable ones are, Alcohol Poisoning / The Alcoholism. It is known Poe was trying to get sober at the time of his death. But he might of fallen off the wagon and had the bender to end all benders.

23 [POE DRUNK, 'Oh yeah baby! Shake that booty for me! You nasty girl! Oh yeah you are a nasty girl! You nasty!'

TEACHER, 'Sir! This is a primary school!'

POE DRUNK, 'Yeah, I know!']

Another interesting and plausible theory is a thing called ‘Cooping’. Cooping was a practice of drugging or beating people, dressing them in someone else’s clothes, taking them to multiple voting booths to vote as different people.

24 [MAGA, 'This is my Uncle Ralph. He's here to vote for Trump.'

OFFICIAL, 'This man looks mentally incapacitated!'

MAGA, 'Yeah, I just told you he's here to vote for Trump!']

Now where this theory takes a right turn into Plausibility Lane is that Poe was found near a voting booth, on election day, in SOMEONE ELSES CLOTHES!

25 [POE, 'These aren't my pants! Someone else shit them.'] 

Adjacent to and probably even more plausible than the Cooping theory is that Poe was a victim of a mugging.

26 [MUGGER, 'Hand over your wallet.'

POE, 'Okay. Just don't hurt me.'

MUGGER, 'Here, I'm not a monster. You can have back the photo of your kid.'

POE, 'That’s my wife!']

And then we take a left turn out of Plausibility Lane and head down Not Ridiculous Speculation Avenue.

[JUDE, 'I don't know where this Google Maps metaphor came from or where it's going. But I am here for it.']

In 1875 Poe’s body was exhumed and moved to a new grave. Grave diggers allegedly witnessed a hard marble like object rolling around in his skull. This may have been a brain tumour.

[SATAN, Or an actual marble. You don’t know!’]

27 [DOCTOR, 'Now Mr Poe, can you hear this?'

SFX MARBLE BOUNCING AROUND IN SKULL

POE, 'Yes I hear it Doctor! What is it?'

DOCTOR, 'Well, it's not good.']

It has been suggested Poe’s symptoms in his last 72 hours sound a lot like rabies.

[JUDE, ‘So maybe he married a rabies baby.’]

28 [PRIEST, ‘And do you take Edgar Allen Poe to be your ‘lawful’ husband?’

SFX RAVAGING WILD ANIMAL

PRIEST, ‘Aaarrrgghh!’]

Here’s where the fun begins. A theory goes that Poe got the rabies from drinking bat’s blood in a Satanic ritual.

[JUDE, 'Who does this guy think he is? Ozzy Osborne?']

29 [OZZY, 'I never touched no kids!'

(BEAT)

OZZY, ‘Sharon! Tell em.’]

Another fun theory is that the Freemasons dosed him with some exotic poison from the orient because his next book was going to expose their satanic secrets.

30 [NOVICE, 'Grand Master! Grand Master! Edgar Allen Poe is about expose one of our most guarded secrets!'

GRAND MASTER, 'My god! Which one?'

NOVICE, 'He's going to tell the world we're boring as fuck.']

Another fun theory is that the Devil collected his due on the Faustian deal he had made with Poe for Poe to be a great writer. And this is backed up as a theory by the fact that a number of Poe’s earliest works were Faustian tales.

31 [SATAN, 'Oh yeah! I totally went out of my way to get a paedophile’s soul. It's not like they ALL end up in Hell anyway.'

(BEAT)

SATAN, 'We use them to store marbles in.'

SFX MARBLE ROLLING AROUND IN SKULL

POE WEEPING, 'Please stop!'

SATAN, 'Your skull, my choice.']

So let’s look at some of these Faustian tales. In 1832’s ‘Le Duc de L’Omelette’ during an exotic meal a fashionable French aristocrat dies of disgust and goes directly to Hell.

32 [LE DUC, 'Sacre bleu! Is the chef wearing double denim? Oh my heart can't take it!'

LE DUC DIES

SFX FIREY WOOSH

SFX HELLSCAPE

LE DUC, ‘Sacre bleu! EVERYONE’S wearing double denim! Oh no! This must be Hell!’]

In Hell this privileged arsehole meets ‘Baal-Zebub, Prince of the Fly’. Le Duc recognises the Faustian Tale trope he’s found himself in and challenges the Devil to card game for his soul.

33 [LE DUC, 'You didn't say Uno in the last hand.'

LILDEVIL, 'Yes I did!'

LE DUC, 'Well I never heard it and the default rule is if it's contested, no win.']

And like ANY self respecting elite white man Le Duc cheats and beats the Devil. Getting himself released from Hell.

34 [LE DUC, 'Uno!'

LILDEVIL, 'You didn't say it in the last hand!'

LE DUC, 'Yes I did. You musn’t have heard me and the default rule if it's contested, to award the win.'

LILDEVIL, 'You know I'm the Devil right? Father of lies. Destroyer of empires. Eater of souls?’

LE DUC, ‘Yep.’

LILDEVIL, ‘Right well If you say that’s the rule then that’s rule. Well played! You win.’]

Also first published in 1832 is another Faustian Tale set in France. This one is titled ‘Bon Bon’. The title character is a vain shallow man believing himself to be a philosopher.

35 [TATE, ‘I’m Andrew Tate and I don’t like where this character description is going.’]

The Devil explains to Bon Bon that he eats the souls of great philosophers. While drunk and believing himself a great man of letters, Bon Bon tries to sell his soul. But Satan comically refuses claiming…

36 [LILDEVIL, ‘Could'nt think of such a thing. Am supplied at present. Have no funds on hand. Besides, very ungentlemanly in me to take advantage of your present situation.’]

[JUDE, 'The Devil NOT wanting your soul must be like being a billionaire only just finding out about Epstein Island NOW!']

37 [MUSK, 'Aw come on guys! I thought it was meant to be crypto bros before underage hoes!']

1838’s ‘Silence—A Fable’ is set in Libya and mentions a demon and Allah, so we can assume this is an Islamic demon. This Jin attempts to scare a lone man in the wilderness with wild animals and wild weather, all to no avail.

38 [JIN MAKES NOISES WITH MOUTH, STORM, RAIN, THUNDER, WIND, LION'S ROAR

MAN, 'I know that’s an evil spirit making all the noise. Lions don't live in the desert.'

JIN, 'Yes they do!'

JIN MAKES SIREN/ALARM SOUND WITH MOUTH

MAN, 'Seriously? A tsunami warning in the middle of the desert?'

JIN, 'It's a really big one!']

Then when the demon introduces absolute silence to the night air the man runs away in terror.

39 [SILENCE

MAN, 'Are you there demon? Hello?'

(BEAT)

MAN, 'You’re not going to just leave me here alone with my own thoughts are you?’

(BEAT)

MAN, 'The inhumanity!']

In 1839’s ‘Devil in the Belfry’ Satan arrives in town playing a fiddle. Attacks the bellringer. Takes over the belltower. Then  starts ringing the previously accurate on time everytime bells at odd times. Chaos ensues.

40 [SFX CHURCH BELL

MAN, 'Oh dear I'm late for work. Gotta go bye!'

SFX CHURCH BELL

MAN, 'That’s lunch.'

SFX CHURCH BELL

MAN, 'That’s home time!'

MAN, 'Best work day ever!'

WOMAN, 'You didn't even leave the house!']

And 1841’s ‘Never Bet the Devil Your Head’ is yet another Faustian Tale of a wager with the Devil. This time it involves jumping a turnstile and a decapitated dog.

[JUDE, ‘Just another Tuesday in this household.’]

41 [SFX DOG BARK

OWNER, 'Rover! Where's your head?']

As you can tell from the material Poe had an interest in demonic themes and was openly curious about all things occult.

42 [POE, ‘I’m not creepy! You’re creepy.’]

But I think it was all just mostly academic and inspiration for his work. He is known to have sent one of his stories to the Professor of Hebrew and Oriental Literature at New York University, The Reverend George Bush. And yes, this Reverend George Bush IS an ancestor!

43 [REGISTRAR, 'And what are we going to call this little angel Mrs Bush?'

BUSH, 'George!'

REGISTRAR, '*sigh* You are aware there are other names right?'

BUSH, 'Okay then. Jeb.'

REGISTRAR, 'Look, if you're not going to take this seriously, then just don't bother.']

Poe sent the work to The Good Reverend George Bush because he was a much respected expert in the field and Poe wanted to know he had got the facts right in his work. So probably not a devotee of the dark arts but rather an author with a hard on for authenticity.

44 [JUDE, ‘And children.’

LEXI, 'If you also have a hard on for authenticity...’

[JUDE, ‘But not children!’

LEXI, ‘...you should join our Patreon.'

DEMON, 'Go to www.patreon.com/satanismysuperhero.'

JUDE, 'No poets!'

LEXI, 'I think you mean no pedos.'

JUDE, 'Poet, pedo, tomato, tomatoe.'

LEXI, '66.6% of the time.']

[JUDE, ‘What can we take away from this little weasel of a man before we all cancel him?’]

In a review of ‘Le Duc de L’Omelette’ the critic wrote,

45 [CRITIC, ‘Mr. Poe is too fond of the wild — unnatural and horrible! Why will he not permit his fine genius to soar into purer, brighter, and happier regions? Why will he not disenthral himself from the spells of German enchantment and supernatural imagery? There is room enough for exercise of the highest powers, upon the multiform relations of human life, without descending into the dark, mysterious and unutterable creations of licentious fancy.’]

The ‘the dark, mysterious and unutterable creations of licentious fancy’ are where we live baby!

[JUDE, ‘Except for marrying 13 year olds.’]

Yeah well obviously. You’ve ruined the flow now. That was meant to be where I go ‘And that’s why Satan is my Superhero!’

[JUDE, ‘It’s fine. Just do it now.’]

And that’s why Satan is my Superhero.

[JUDE, ‘Yeah. That did suck.’]

Yep.