Book of Revelation Chapter 7 | The Rapture

What if Heaven had a strict guest list… and you’re not on it?
We dive back into the chaotic fever dream of the Book of Revelations - specifically Chapter 7 — where John of Patmos introduces one of the Bible’s weirdest and most misunderstood ideas: the 144,000 “chosen ones.”

You’ve probably heard of the Rapture.
You’ve probably been told Christianity is “open to everyone.”
Yeah… about that....

Catch up on our previous Book of Revelation episodes here:
Ep. 00 | Ep. 01 | Ep. 02 | Ep. 03 | Ep. 04  | Ep. 05  | Ep. 06  | 

This chapter reveals:

•  A limited-capacity Heaven (yes, really — 144,000 seats) 
•  God’s forehead-marking system for divine protection 
•  A bizarre mix of exclusive salvation + mass destruction
•  And the introduction of concepts that would later fuel rapture theology, end-times panic, and modern grifting

If you’ve ever wondered:

• What is the 144,000 in Revelation?
• Where did the Rapture idea come from?
• Is Heaven actually exclusive?
• Why is Revelation so unhinged?

…you’re in the right place!

----New here? Welcome! We’re Judas and Lexi — Aussie/Kiwi hosts of Satan Is My Superhero, a comedy podcast blending satire, research, original music, and aggressive skepticism. We take religious stories, conspiracy theories, and moral panics… and poke them until they fall apart.

Support the show: If you’d like to support the podcast (and help us keep making gloriously blasphemous nonsense): Join us on Patreon:
patreon.com/satanismysuperhero

Unlike Heaven… we don’t cap it at 144,000.

Transcript

In this episode we check in with John of Patmos as he makes up stories about being taken on a magical carpet ride to heaven by the Holy Ghost. In chapter six of…

[ANNOUNCER, ‘The Book of Revelation.’]

John had witnessed Jesus in the form of a dead lamb with seven eyes and seven horns…

[JUDE, ‘All around its butthole.’]

Yeah, but WE said that. That’s not the biblical interpretation.

[JUDE, ‘I think the placement around the lamb’s butthole IS the only logical biblical interpretation.’]

Agree to disagree. Anywho John had witnessed Jesus unleash the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse on the Earth. 

[JUDE, ‘You think the eyes and horns are gonna be lined up along the tail? I don’t think so.’]

[INTRO MUSIC OUT]

Chapter seven, verse 1

01 [JOHN, ‘And after these things I saw four angels standing on the four corners of the earth, holding the four winds of the earth, that the wind should not blow on the earth, nor on the sea, nor on any tree.’]

First verse pretty self explanatory. Four angels standing on the four corners of the flat quadrilateral Earth, holding back the four winds.

02 [SFX FART

ANGEL, 'Sorry! I couldn't hold it back anymore!'] 

Second verse.

03 [JOHN, ‘And I saw another angel ascending from the east, having the seal of the living God: and he cried with a loud voice to the four angels, to whom it was given to hurt the earth and the sea,’]

This ‘seal of the living god’ carried by this fifth angel is some kind of symbol of YHWH’s divine protection. 

[JUDE, ‘Oh right, I’ve seen this movie before. Some patriarchal douche bag gets YHWH’s mafioso styled protection while the world burns down around them.’]

04 [ANNOUNCER, ‘This is Job.’

JOB, ‘Hello.’

ANNOUNCER, ‘Shut up Job. It’s not your turn yet. Job is here today because he bought, Seal of the Living God Insurance from Christ Incorporated.’

SILENCE

ANNOUNCER, ‘It’s your line.’

JOB, ‘You told me to shut up.’

ANNOUNCER, ‘Just do the line.’

JOB, ‘Because I had Seal of the Living God Travel Insurance from Christ Incorporated, my family and I survived the nuclear obliteration of Sodom while we were there on holiday!’

ANNOUNCER, ‘This is Noah, he had Seal of the Living God Flood Insurance from Christ Incorporated and boy was he pleased with the results!

NOAH, ‘It was the single most horrific thing you can imagine. For the first few days the waters around us were a writhing mess of humans and animals scratching, clawing and screaming for a dry place. Then the dehydration. That’s the part you are just not prepared for. That and the black foul water. Oh god and then the stench! Oh the stench!’

ANNOUNCER, ‘If you’re desperate to be the smarmy ‘told you so’ guy after a catastrophe, get Seal of the Living God Insurance from Christ Incorporated today!’

DISCLAIMER GUY, ‘Seal of the Living God Insurance from Christ Incorporated is brought to you by Chri$t Incorporated. Chri$t Incorporated is a subsidiary of YHWH International. Stay stupid and keep hating.’

CHOIR OF ANGELS, ‘Stay stupid and keep hating.

DISCLAIMER GUY, ‘Failure to adhere to contract in whole may result in being turned into a pillar of salt.’]

In verse 3 we get to hear what the angel from the east yells at the other angels.

05 [EASTANGEL, ‘Hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants of our God in their foreheads.’]

[JUDE, ‘Called it! Patriarchal douche bag get YHWH’s ‘protection’.’]

06 [GODFATHER, ‘You wanna run with the wolves, or sleep with the fishes?’]

[JUDE, ‘And…’]

[COA, ‘Spoiler alert!’]

[JUDE, ‘Later on in this book, the Beast is going to give HIS followers a mark on the forehead. Isn’t this the same thing? And why have I never heard of it before?’]

Yep, it doesn’t get a lot of air time for some reason.

[JUDE, ‘Do we know what the mark might be?’]

Yes actually it’s described as a red hat with ‘Make America Great Again’ on it. Turns out we’re on the wrong side!

[JUDE, ‘It’s not too late to change. I could go racist. I have the DNA for it. Listen to me, I’m already referencing my genetic superiority. I’m made for this!’]

I’m only joking about the hats.

[JUDE, ‘Yeah! Yeah me to. Just jokes.’]

So anyway I can’t tell you what the seal is. But I can tell you where it comes from. It is yet another example of John lifting from his old friend Ezekiel. In the Old Testament Ezekiel gives us a lot of genocide porn. 

07 [EZEKIEL, ‘I give the people what they want!’]

In one of these holocaust fantasies the scene is inhabited by a holy man and six heavily armed murderers. According to Ezekiel, these are YHWH’s instructions to the holy man.

08 [EZEKIEL, ‘Go through the midst of the city, through the midst of Jerusalem, and set a mark upon the foreheads of the men that sigh and that cry for all the abominations that be done in the midst thereof.’]

[JUDE, 'The lesson being if a holy man wants to touch you, let him.'] 

As long as you have a penis. 

09 [TOUCHED, 'What are you doing?'

HOLYMAN, 'I'm marking some of the men for salvation.'

TOUCHED, 'Could you please mark my wife?'

HOLYMAN, 'Ew gross! I mean, um, no YHWH only wants to be surrounded by good looking... I mean good men.'] 

And then YHWH instructs the heavily armed murderers.

10 [EZEKIEL, ‘Go ye after him through the city, and smite: let not your eye spare, neither have ye pity: Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women: but come not near any man upon whom is the mark; and begin at my sanctuary.’

SFX BATTLE

EZEKIEL, 'Oh no! All the women, children and unattractive men are dead! Whatever shall we do? I guess we could all get naked. You know, just see where it leads.'] 

So back in the Book of Revelation, John continues his genocidal fantasy in verse four.

11 [JOHN, ‘And I heard the number of them which were sealed: and there were sealed an hundred and forty and four thousand of all the tribes of the children of Israel.’]

And The Rapture has entered the conversation.

[JUDE, 'Who doesn't love the rapture? It's the one bit of made up after all the books were written piece of nonsense we can ALL get behind.'] 

12 [WORRIED, 'All the Christians have disappeared! It must be the end of the world.'

ATHEIST, 'The end of the world SUCKING! Am I right!'] 

144 000 of YHWH’s ‘chosen ones’ are going to be saved from the coming devastation. 

[JUDE, ‘And a million grifters found an angle.’]

Yes and as long as your ‘griftees’ don’t read the rest of the chapter, and let’s be honest...they wont. You can sell them a ticket in that 144 000.

13 [ANNOUNCER, 'Coming soon to a world near you, The Rapture! Don't be left behind. Seating is limited to the first 144 000. Hurry! Get your ticket today!'

CUSTOMER, 'I was always told Christianity was welcoming to all and Jesus had room in his heart for everyone. Once I found out that's not true and the rewards are only available to an exclusive few, I realised this is the religion for me!'

ANNOUNCER, 'The Rapture, it's not for everyone and that's the whole point.'

DISCLAIMER GUY, 'The Rapture is brought to you by Christ Incorporated. Christ Incorporated is a subsidiary of YHWH International. Stay stupid and keep hating '

CHOIR OF ANGELS, 'Stay stupid and keep hating '] 

Verse 5.

14 [JOHN, ‘Of the tribe of Juda were sealed twelve thousand. Of the tribe of Reuben were sealed twelve thousand. Of the tribe of Gad were sealed twelve thousand.’]

Just in case the ‘an hundred and forty and four thousand of all the tribes of the children of Israel’ from verse four might be misinterpreted by people NOT born to one of the twelve tribes of Israel’s descendants it gets spelled out as you just heard in verse five, with more of the same in six through eight.

15 [JOHN IN BACKGROUND READING OFF LIST, ‘Of the tribe of Aser were sealed twelve thousand. Of the tribe of Nephthalim were sealed twelve thousand. Of the tribe of Manasses were sealed twelve thousand. Of the tribe of Simeon were sealed twelve thousand. Of the tribe of Levi were sealed twelve thousand. Of the tribe of Issachar were sealed twelve thousand. Of the tribe of Zabulon were sealed twelve thousand. Of the tribe of Joseph were sealed twelve thousand. Of the tribe of Benjamin were sealed twelve thousand.’

SMITH, ‘Let’s get out of here.’

JONES, ‘Shhshh, I’m listening!’

SMITH, ‘What for? He already said, it’s just Jews. We’re not getting in.’

JONES, ‘I think he said ‘men with asses’!’

SMITH, ‘I don’t think he did...really?’

(BEAT)

SMITH TO THEMSELF, ‘I have an ass…’]

Verse 9

16 [JOHN, ‘After this I beheld, and, lo, a great multitude, which no man could number, of all nations, and kindreds, and people, and tongues, stood before the throne, and before the Lamb, clothed with white robes, and palms in their hands;’]

[JUDE, 'Well we ALL have palms in our hands, but we just listed the tribes of Israel, is this great multitude the rest of humanity?'] 

They mean palm fronds and this great multitude are all the non Israelites who have found salvation in Jesus.

[JUDE, 'And THAT number is one which no man could number. But the quota of Jews allowed in Heaven is a strict 144 000?'] 

Yep. 

17 [SCHWARTZ, 'My name's not on the list? What kind of D.E.I. bullshit is this? I've lived a sin free life. Check again. Schwartz, S, C, H, W...'] 

In verse 10 this multitude chant in unison.

18 [MULTITUDE, ‘Salvation to our God which sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb.’] 

[JUDE, 'So in the book specifically mentioned by anyone who tries to defend the trinity, the god on the throne and the dead lamb with seven eyes and horns around its arsehole are unequivocally identified as separate entities?']

Yes.

REPLAY: BOR01 20 [APOSTLE, ‘The Jews are making fun of us because Jesus is only the son of a god.’

DISCIPLE, ‘Easy fix we’ll just make Jesus god.’]

Verse 11.

19 [JOHN, ‘And all the angels stood round about the throne, and about the elders and the four beasts, and fell before the throne on their faces, and worshipped God.’]

We’ve encountered this group of characters before.

[JUDE, ‘AND they fell on their faces and worshipped YHWH multiple times then! WE never hear about them getting up again?’]

Perhaps Heaven is like an Escher painting. No matter what you do, you're always on your face? 

[JUDE, 'I imagine Christian Heaven is much like Christian Church. No matter what you do, SOMEONE is always sitting on your face.'] 

Verse 12 is the angels, 4 beasts and elders chanting how much they worship YHWH. Which again we’ve heard in previous chapters but we like to fill in the time.

20 [ANGEL/BEAST/ELDER, ‘Blessing, and glory, and wisdom, and thanksgiving, and honour, and power, and might, be unto our God for ever and ever. Amen.’]

[JUDE, ‘Also maybe YHWH just skim reads our data and by doing the worship chant, he just sees that part and goes, oh they’re great and we’re spared the tribulation. You don’t know how Jesus magic works.’]

Verses 13 and 14

21 [JOHN, ‘And one of the elders answered, saying unto me,’

ELDER, ‘What are these which are arrayed in white robes? and whence came they?’

JOHN, ‘And I said unto him, Sir, thou knowest. And he said to me,’

ELDER, ‘These are they which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.’]

[JUDE, ‘I know I’ve said this before. But when John hits his stride he’s very metal. ‘washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb’. 10 out of 10. No notes.’]

Agreed. But let us not forget what Metal John is telling us. By suffering great tribulation and soaking ourselves white in sheep blood and NOT being Jewish we can get general admission seating in Heaven.

22 [ANTISEMITE, 'The best thing about Heaven, not TOO many Jews.'

(BEAT)

ANTISEMITE, 'Not like Hell '] 

Verse 15.

23 [ELDER, ‘Therefore are they before the throne of God, and serve him day and night in his temple: and he that sitteth on the throne shall dwell among them.’]

[JUDE, ‘Yeah, I’m out. I’m not serving YHWH all day and night. He’s omnipotent! He doesn’t NEED any servants!’]

24 [MARTYR, ‘So this is my reward for being hung upside down over an ant nest and covered in honey. To be eaten alive for three days! Without ONCE renouncing my faith in the lord. I get to stand here for an ever conscious eternity hoping the omnipotent creator god of the entire universe MIGHT one time want a Coke Zero from the fridge?’

SAINT, ‘Yes.’

MARTYR, ‘That was NOT on the flyer.’]

Verse 16.

25 [ELDER, ‘They shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more; neither shall the sun light on them, nor any heat.’]

[JUDE, 'So not only is Heaven an eternity of screaming your appreciation directly at YHWH, but it's also cold and dark.'] 

26 [ANGEL/BEAST/ELDER, ‘Blessing, and glory, and wisdom, and thanksgiving, and honour, and power, and might, be unto our God for ever and ever. Amen.’

ELDER, 'Is YHWH even watching us?'

BEAST, 'How would we fucking know?'

ANGEL SHIVERING, 'Hey guys! I can't feel my toes anymore.'] 

And finally verse 17.

27 [ELDER, ‘For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes.’]

[JUDE, ‘Yeah I bet there’s a LOT of crying going on in this version of Heaven!’]

28 [COLD OPEN CRIER SOBBING

CHRISTIAN, 'Hey what's the matter?'

CRIER, 'I just found out when I die I'm going to Heaven.'

CHRISTIAN, 'It's not all bad. Look on the bright side, there's hardly any Jews.'

ILIWYPYFT INTRO

LEXI, 'Just like Jesus we would love to have 144 000 children of Israel join our Patreon. But unlike Jesus, that's 144 000 isn't a hard stop.'

JUDE, 'Yeah, like if a couple more than that wanted to join, we'd figure something out.'

SARCASTIC LEXI, 'Yes. If 144 002 people of Jewish descent wanted to each give us 5 bucks month, we WOULD figure out a way to make that happen.'

(BEAT)

LEXI, 'But Judas what if 144 003 children of Abraham wanted to join?'

JUDE, 'I mean, we HAVE to draw a line somewhere.'] 

What can we take away from yet another look into the perfectly sane mind of John of Patmos? 

[JUDE, 'If we’re playing Rapture Bingo, we just crossed off the 144 000 ‘chosen ones’ and introduced the word ‘tribulation’. It was a baller!']

It's not that I disagree, but I do think our definition of 'baller' has changed since we started doing this podcast. 

[JUDE, 'Not for me. I've always been this nerdy and that’s why Satan is my Superhero.']