Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Boy Band of Biblical Doom

The Four Horsemen aren’t just pestilence, war, famine, and death—they’re everyone’s head-canon.

~ New look, same blasphemy—check out our shiny new logo while you listen~

In this episode of Satan Is My Superhero, we saddle up with John of Patmos and gallop through the wildest alternative theories ever shovelled onto Revelation 6.

Greek gods? Roman Empire? Catholicism? 

Communism? Disney princesses???

Grab your caffeinated Jesus Juice and ride with us—because apparently anything can be the Four Horsemen.

Support the show and avoid a visit from Limos, Goddess of Hunger: patreon.com/satanismysuperhero

Need a refresh of our Book of Revelation series?  Catch up here: [Ep. 00] · [Ep. 01] · [Ep. 02] · [Ep. 03] · [Ep. 04] .  [Ep. 05]  . [Ep. 06]   

Transcript

In this episode we look at some ‘alternative’ explanations behind one of the church’s most tantalising mysteries.

01 [CHOIRBOY, ‘I promised Father Pell I would not tell.’]

In chapter 6 of,

[ANNOUNCER, 'The book of Revelation!']

Author John of Patmos introduces us to four of the Christian Bible's most iconic and enduring characters. 

02 [ANNOUNCER, 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!']

The most common and boring interpretation of what these horsemen represent are that the rider of the white horse is pestilence. Red is war. Black is famine and Pale is death.

[JUDE, 'They're the biblical equivalent of a boy band.']

03 [CROWD OF SCREAMING TEENAGERS

TEEN, 'I love you Death!'

TEEN2, 'Please let me have your babies pestilence!']

There is as much evidence to back these interpretations as there is for anything in Revelation. But we can gain some confidence in them from the old testament prophet Ezekiel who wrote,

04 [EZEKIEL, ‘For thus saith the Lord God; How much more when I send my four sore judgments upon Jerusalem, the sword, and the famine, and the noisome beast, and the pestilence, to cut off from it man and beast.’]

John of Patmos has referenced Ezekiel before, so it’s not too much of a stretch to think he got his inspiration here.

05 [JOHN, 'When in doubt I ask myself, what would Ezekiel do?'

BRIANNA, 'So something stupid then.'

JOHN, 'Yes, I mean no!']

We covered these interpretations on our episode about chapter six of Revelation. 

[ERIC, ‘Gratuitous back catalogue plug.’]

But we are not here to go over the main interpretations again. 

06 [ANNOUNCER, ‘Unleash the uneducated!’]

In this episode, we are looking at some of the lesser interpretations of what the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse represent.

[UNENTHUSIASTIC CHEER]

What kind of stupidity can we expect today? Well one reddit theory posits the four horsemen are the four elements. And when I say elements I DO NOT mean elements. I mean the emergent properties of ACTUAL elements interacting with the universe around them. Earth, fire, air and water.

08 [GODDESS, 'Earth!'

SFX AVALANCHE

GODDESS, 'Fire!'

SFX FIRE

GODDESS, 'Water!'

SFX CRASHING WAVES

GODDESS, 'Wind!'

SFX FART]

There is a persistent internet theory that each of the horsemen represents a Greek god.

[JUDE, 'So they're cheap knock offs of Marvel superheroes.']

[FAN, ‘Please don’t be the Fantastic Four!’]

Yes well interpreting gods and deities from other cultures and finding a Greek equivalent was a thing the Greeks used to do. But we're not Greeks and it's not 500bce. So there's that.

[JUDE, 'Are you sure it's not 500bce? Have you been on TikTok recently?']

[YOGA, ‘I will now kick myself in the balls.’]

Let’s remind ourselves of what John of Parmos told us about the first of the four horsemen.

REPLAY BOR06: 03 EDITED [JOHN, ‘...and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and to conquer.’]

So the Greek gods theory goes that the rider of the white horse is Zelus. Zelus is one of FOUR winged siblings who hang around Zeus doing his bidding.

09 [NIKE, 'Hey Zelus, where's Zeus?'

ZELUS, 'Off impregnating some human somewhere.'

NIKE, 'Oh really? How do you know?'

ZELUS, 'Oh, I don't actually KNOW what Zeus is up to right now. It's just statistically the most likely oucome.']

Zelus is the personification of zeal, dedication, emulation, rivalry, envy, and jealousy.

10 [ZELUS, ‘I’m like a masculine version of Andrew Tate.’]

Greek poet Hesiod mentions Zelus in the final chapter of his ‘Ages of Man’ where the gods have forsaken man and evil walks the Earth.

11 [HESIOD, ‘Zelus, foul-mouthed, delighting in evil, with scowling face, will go along with wretched men one and all.’]

[JUDE, ‘So like a tech bro.’]

12 [ZELUS, ‘Pump ‘n dump baby!’] 

In chapter six of Revelation the rider of the red horse is described this way.

REPLAY BOR06: 09 EDITED [JOHN, 'And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword.']

According to the Greek gods theory, the rider of the red horse is the famous Ares...

[JUDE, ‘Hang on! You said Zelus was one of four siblings. Wouldn’t it stand to reason the four horsemen would be those four siblings?’]

Hmmm, what is this ‘reason’ you speak of?

[JUDE, ‘Fair enough. Carry on.’]

So anyway, Ares is the God of War and is associated with the RED planet Mars.

[DUNT DUNT DAH

BANDIT, ‘Ooh! I didn’t see that coming!’]

John of Patmos tells us this about the rider of the black horse.

REPLAY BOR06: 11 & 12 EDITED [JOHN, ‘And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand.’

JOHN, ‘And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say,’

BEAST, ‘A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine.’]

Proponents of this Greek gods idea believe the rider of the black horse is meant to be Limos. Who by the way, might be a lady deity.

[JUDE, ‘Oooh!’]

She is the embodiment of hunger and starvation.

[JUDE, ‘Oh.’]

[CHOIR OF ANGELS, ‘How disappointing.’]

Hesiod said of Limos.

13 [HESIOD, ‘is ever the companion of a man who does not work.’]

I guess the implication being, if you don’t work, you don’t eat.

[JUDE, ‘I think these days Hesiod would vote Republican.’]

14 [LIMOS, ‘Limos here!’

WITCH CACKLE THUNDER

LIMOS, ‘If you don’t want me visiting hunger and starvation upon the Satan is my Superhero people, you should…’

DEMON, ‘Go to patreon.com/satanismysuperhero.’

LIMOS, ‘Sorry. I don’t know what happened to my voice then. Should we go again?’]

Here’s the description from John for our fourth and final horseman.

REPLAY BOR06: 15 EDITED [JOHN, ‘And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.’]

In the original Greek the name that sat on him, that John actually uses is ‘Thanatos’. There is a Greek deity called Thanatos who IS the personification of death. So case closed you would think.

[JUDE, ‘I wouldn’t think that. I’ve met these people.’]

Yes Thanatos is the name of the personification of death but it also gets used as a word for death. AND the problem with Thanatos is he’s associated with PEACEFUL death. 

[SATAN, ‘There’s no such thing. Trust me.’]

Thanatos is so connected to peaceful death Dr Kevorkian named his euthanasia machine the Thanatron.

[JUDE, ‘Oh dear.’]

15 [SFX FAIRGROUND

KEVORKIAN, ‘Step right up! Step right up and step right into Doctor Death’s most annihilating, most exterminating, most expirating ride of all! The Thanatron!’

NURSE, ‘I’m starting to see why some people don’t take us seriously.’]

So, despite John of Patmos naming the rider of the pale horse ‘Thanatos’, the theory describes the rider of the pale horse being Moros. Who is the personification of impending doom.

[JUDE, ‘That must be the most depressing god to be.’]

16 [NIKE, ‘Hey Moros, what do you want on your pancake?’

DEPRESSED MOROS, ‘It’s doesn’t matter. We’re all going to die.’

NIKE, ‘Not me. I’m immortal.’

DEPRESSED MOROS, ‘Every single atom in your body is going to leach away into the emptiness of space in an incredibly painful billion year process during the inevitable heat death of the entire universe.’

NIKE, ‘I’m putting blueberries on your pancakes.’]

One of the more credible theories has the rider of the white horse representing the Roman Empire. 

17 [WINNERS BELL

ANNOUNCER, ‘For those of you playing along at home. You can tick the Roman Empire off your, Cis Gendered Heterosexual Middle Aged White Man Podcast Bingo Card.’

LILY ‘Oh yeah give me some of that Cis Gendered Heterosexual Middle Aged White Man Podcast Bingo baby! I want you to fill me in deep with your hard facts on the early Republican maniple against the hoplite phalanx in rugged terrain. Oh baby you can erect your aqueduct via my Appian Way any day. If you know what I mean?‘]

And the Romans certainly do fit the bill of a militaristic civilisation riding forth and conquering.

18 [COLONEL, 'Tally ho chaps! Let's ride forth and give civilisation to the natives with extreme prejudice. Never mind all the tears, blood and violence. They'll be sure to thank us for it one day.']

Just like the white horse, the red horse may also represent the Roman Empire itself. Whereas the white horse is the Empire rising, expanding and conquering. The red horse is representative of division and civil war within the empire.

REPLAY CaBoBS 38 [CONSTANTINE, ‘Are you ready for war?’

TROOPS, ‘Yeah! War! War! War! Let’s get em! Kill the enemy! Take no prisoners!’

CONSTANTINE, ‘Alright, let us march on Rome!’

TROOPS Enthusiastic cheering starts again but halts.

TROOPS, ‘Rome? Did he say Rome? I think he said Rome? Wait, what? But we're Romans? We can’t attack Rome! Not Rome! That’s like so gross. But all my stuff is in Rome.’]

And the rider of the pale horse might represent the inevitable bloody chaotic end of the Roman Empire.

19 [ROMULUS, 'Outsourcing all of our security needs to the Germans may have been short-sighted.'

PETORIAN, ‘[strong German accent] I’m zee emperor now mutha fucka! ]

Some experts think the rider of the white horse could be Jesus.

[SINGBOT, ‘Jesus Christ! It’s Jesus.’]

[JUDE, ‘But Jesus has already got so much to do!’]

20 [JESUS, 'I can multitask!']

Others think the rider of the white horse could be the gospel itself.

[JUDE, 'Gross! That's so lame, it's probably correct.']

21 [COLONEL, 'Tally ho chaps! Let's ride forth and give Christianity to the natives with extreme prejudice. Never mind all the tears, blood and violence. They'll be sure to thank us for it one day.']

There are those who think the rider of the white horse could be the Holy Ghost.

22 [SFX HORSE SNORT

HOLYGHOST, 'Nice horsey, nice horse.'

SFX HORSE NEIGHS ANGRILY 

HOLYGHOST, 'Whoa boy! How am I supposed to handle the reins? I'm a non corporeal ethereal spirit?'

SFX HORSE SNORT

HOLYGHOST, 'I was a rhetorical question horsey! I wasn't actually asking you!']

The rider of the white horse could represent war.

[JUDE, 'I thought that was the red horse?']

It is. But they might be different wars.

[JUDE, 'Like the white horse is the war on drugs and the red is the war on menstruation.']

What? No. Why would it be that?

[JUDE, 'You have no idea how many imaginary wars these very, very manly masculine Christian men are fighting in their heads with their magic Jesus powers everyday.']

23 [MACHOMAN, ‘When you are a man, you must fight. Everyday you battle your demons in Spiritual Warfare. You MUST take on the Culture War, Trade War, the War on Terror, the War on Drugs!’

(BEAT)

MACHOMAN, ‘But there’s one conflict that’s finished.’

(BEAT)

MACHOMAN, ‘The Cola Wars!’

SFX CAN OF SODA BEING OPENED AND CONSUMED BY MAN

MACHOMAN, ‘Caffeinated Jesus Juice. For the warriors in Christ white knuckling life.’

COA, ‘Jesus Juice helps the poo go down.’

YOUNG MAN, ‘Thanks Caffeinated Jesus Juice. With a hot wet shot from the lord deep inside me, I’m ready to defend my family in the War on Christmas!’

ANNOUNCER, ‘Caffeinated Jesus Juice is a product of Christ Incorporated. Christ Incorporated is a subsidiary of YHWH International. Stay stupid and keep hating.’

COA, ‘Stay stupid and keep hating.’

DISCLAIMER GUY, ‘Caffeinated Jesus Juice has been linked to cases of irritable bowel syndrome, leaky gut syndrome, male pattern baldness and male erectile dysfunction. Will cause headaches, nausea and almost always diarrhoea.’]

So this theory that the white horse is also war states that the rider of the white horse represents FOREIGN wars.

[JUDE, 'Like the ones America is always in.']

Foreign wars of conquest. 

[JUDE, 'Oh! Not like American wars then.']

And in this scenario, the RED horse represents CIVIL war.

[JUDE, 'Just like Americ... I think it's time to stop this analogy. We're not going to like where it takes us.']

24 [BILLYHILL, 'I secede from any state that won’t let me racism.']

Some Christian thinkers claim the rider of the white horse is the antichrist.

[SINGBOT, ‘Holy shit! It’s the mother fucking anti-Christ!’]

[JUDE, 'It could be the Christ or the Holy Ghost or the ANTICHRIST! Has every theologian, apologist and scholar just wasted the last 2000 years with their fingers up their arses?']

Yes. And also because of this particular gigantic swing and miss. But mostly yes, in every aspect of their lives.

25 [MASTER, ‘Well Jones it’s time to judge your lifetime’s work. Where is it?’

JONES, ‘Smell this.’

MASTER SNIFFS

MASTER, ‘That smells like it’s been up your arsehole for thirty years!’

JONES, ‘Results, conclusive.’]

One theory holds, the rider of the white horse could be Catholicism.

[LONG SILENCE]

[JUDE, ‘Please continue.’]

No, that’s it. The white horse is Catholicism because the pope wears white I guess? You will see absolutely no effort went into this one.

26 [FLERF, 'I do my own research. '

SKEP, 'So when you say you do your own research, what you really mean is you don't have the patience, intelligence or fortitude to follow a disciplined approach that challenges your preconceived notions. You have no process to check your biases. You have no systematic testing of the knowledge you have acquired. It’s doubtful your process will have produced any meaningful results.'

FLERF, 'I mainly just read the bits I don't find boring.']

In the same ill prepared theory, the rider of the red horse could be communism.

[SINGBOT, ‘It’s terrifying!’]

[JUDE, 'That would explain why in John's first draft he actually wrote...']

27 [JOHN, 'And there went out another horse that was red: and the means of production was given to the proletariat that sat thereon to take capitalism from the earth, and that they should kill the bourgeoisie: and there was given unto him a great hammer and sickle.']

Yes that’s right, John of Patmos’ famous Apocalypse manifesto.

28 [COMMIE, 'The reason Apocalypse keeps failing is because no one has ever actually done it right.']

The rider of the black horse could be capitalism.

[JUDE, 'Because the red horse being communism wasn't dumb enough?']

I think we can all agree the red horse representing communism is super stupid. But the black horse's verse did specifically mention money and trade. Also if you're 'in the black' you are winning at capitalism. 

[JUDE, 'Actually, I'm going to push back on that. You are only doing capitalism properly when you're in so much debt you couldn't possibly pay it back.']

29 [MURDOCH, 'He who dies with the largest liability wins!']

And in this particular theory, the pale horse represents Islam.

[JUDE, 'Oh this will be interesting, what about the pale horse says Islam?']

Oh. You're looking for something that specifically links the pale horse to Islam.

[JUDE, 'I mean at least the communist horse was red.']

That was a high point in the "scholarship' here. No, THIS theory is just a list of things some WASP didn't like.

[JUDE, 'I'm surprised there wasn't an extra horse for the gays.']

30 [JOHN, 'And when he had opened the fifth seal, I heard the gay beast say,’

GAYBEAST, ‘Come and see!'

JOHN, ‘And I beheld, and lo a purple horse; and he that sat on him had a cheeky little chardi in his hand.’]

A more plausible theory goes, the rider of the black horse could represent justice. The scales obviously inciting that image in a modern mind.

[JUDE, 'As a white man I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of black justice. Can't we just let bygones be bygones?']

Black Justice sounds like an exploitation film from the 70s.

31 [NARRATOR, 'Any of you foxy mama's wanna know what it is? This cat ain’t no jive turkey. This mofo is dy no mite and out of sight. Can you dig it man? Keep on steppin if you wanna avoid his Black Justice. Catch my drift sucka!’]

One theory suggests the horsemen could represent the 4 cardinal directions.

[JUDE, 'They’ve just stopped putting in the effort now. AND it would just be so impractical to link the horses and riders with directions!']

33 [Q, 'Where did you just come from?'

A, 'I was just up the black horse.'

Q, 'Wait what?']

[JUDE, ‘Am I wrong in suggesting that ANYTHING can be the four horsemen?’]

It's starting to look that way.

34 [WHITEY, ‘Okay hows this for a theory? Each of the horsemen is a Disney princess!’

SCHOLAR, ‘Shut the front door! That’s brilliant!’

WHITEY, ‘The rider of the white horse can be Mulan. No! Wait. That’s just feels too D.E.I. No it should be Merida, you know, the ginger from Brave.’]

Yes ANYTHING can be the four horsemen of the Apocalypse. Let’s finish up with this one just for fun. 

[SATAN, ‘I like fun. You can never have too much. I don’t care what anyone says.’]

Conspiracy theory grifter Anatoly Fomenko who claims all world history has been fabricated or manipulated thinks the four horsemen are planets.

[JUDE, ‘Is the rider of the red horse Mars?’]

Yes.

[JUDE, ‘Can we stop now before we catch dumb.’]

Yes. And that’s why Satan is my Superhero.