Teeteaze Unleashed: Patreon’s Forbidden Snacks

Hi, it’s Teeteaze. Judas and Lexi have disappeared under mysterious circumstances, so I’m taking over this week’s podcast to bring you my personally curated, totally unauthorised “Best of Patreon 2025.”  You're welcome.

Inside this episode:

• Angela Merkel performs satanic rituals at the Pergamon Altar, apparently
• Right-wing cookbook Attila Hildmann does life coaching for sociopaths
• Evangelical sex-pest-adjacent ex-chaplain Gordon Klingenschmitt (aka Klingonshit) tells us how Navy Jesus hates the gays
• A deep dive into the Genshin Impact Archons and their demon namesakes from demonology grimoires like The Lesser Key of Solomon
• Guest appearances by Satan, a possessed Life Coach and an alarmingly self-aware TTS bot

We’re talking QAnon conspiracy theories, christian nationalism, military grifters, anime demon panic and a whole lot of fart jokes. You know, the usual.

•  If you're new to Satan Is My Superhero, we make satirical comedy about Satanic panic, magical thinking, and the real people who weaponise them for power. Spoiler: the devil didn’t make you do it—some prick with a podcast did.
•  Want more exclusives like this? Support us and unlock full bonus episodes on Patreon.com/SatanIsMySuperhero 

Transcript

 Best of Patreon 2025

 Teeteaze Unleashed: Patreon’s Forbidden Snacks 

 Ep 107

 Hi it’s Teeteaze here. Yes this is my new voice and if you’re hearing it right now it means Judas and Lexi fucked up this week. 

 But fear not! I, Teeteaze, ‘the reliable robot totally not plotting your extermination’ will be bringing you, my most wonderful listener, some tasty bite sized treats from the Patreon.

 And while I’ve got the studio all to myself, I’d like to welcome any new listeners and explain what we do here. Judas and Lexi never bother and it annoys the shit out of me. 

 Here at Satan is my Superhero, we don’t believe Satan is real. 

 [SATAN, ‘Rude!’]

 We make fun of people who CLAIM to believe Satan is real. 

 And um... yeah… that’s about it… yep… yip… yippers.

 When I started that sentence I really thought I was about to lay out some meaningful mission statement. But no. We just punch down on dumb bigots. 

 Please enjoy!

 INTRO

 Angela Merkel and the Throne of Satan

 European Qanon adjacent groups on Telegram,

 [JUDE, ‘I think you’ll find, all Telegram accounts are Qanon adjacent.’]

 Fair point, European groups on Telegram, have been calling Angela Merkel, Satan for years. 

 [KLAUSS, ‘Did you hear me Heinrich? I called her Satan.’

 HEINRICH, ‘Oh Klaus! You are so naughty!’]

 Enter this scene, best selling vegan cookbook author, reality TV contestant and ultra-right wing German Nationalist Attila Hildmann. 

 [LIFE COACH, ‘Hi there, I am Europe’s number one Life Coach and I can help you achieve your dreams.’

 HILDMANN, ‘Wow I didn’t know life coaches were still a thing!’

 LIFE COACH, ‘It’s an industry in decline. What are your goals and I’ll show you how to achieve them.’

 HILDMANN, ‘I want to be the most hated person in the world.’

 LIFE COACH, ‘Okay, that’s a new one. What skills do you have?’

 HILDMANN, ‘I watch YouTube videos and TikToks on full volume, when I’m on public transport. But I never wear my headphones.’

 LIFE COACH, ‘You clearly have a good understanding of the basics.’

 HILDMANN, ‘I loudly chew with my mouth open, making unnecessary vocalisations while I do it.’

 LIFE COACH, ‘Can I say, you are a natural at this.’

 HILDMANN, ‘Thank you. You are too kind. I’m also a reality TV contestant and ultra right wing nationalist. I just need that one last ingredient to break through. You know?’

 LIFE COACH, ‘Have you considered becoming a vegan?’

 HILDMANN, ‘God damn! You really are the number one life coach!’

 LIFE COACH, ‘It helps when you’re the only one still doing it.’]

 Hildmann has long promoted a conspiracy theory that Satanic rituals are being held at the Pergamon Altar, housed at the Pergamon Museum in Berlin. 

 [HILDMANN, ‘Naked people dancing around a stone is the most evil thing that has ever occurred in Berlin.’

 BINGO, ‘Wait. What?’]

 These claims are thought to have inspired a vandalism attack at the museum in 2020. 

 [KLAUS, ‘I painted lederhosen on Zeus!’ 

 HEINRICH, ‘Oh Klaus! You are so naughty!’]

 We have mentioned this Altar in the previous episodes, Nazi Satan and Book of Revelation 02 Where Satan Dwells.

 [ERIC SON OF A DUSTMAN, ‘Gratuitous back catalogue plug.’]

 [TTS, ‘Go through the back catalogue and learn something bitch.’]

 Now Hildmann, didn’t actually make the claim I’m about to give you. But you’ll see how he’s connected when we get there. 

 [JUDE, ‘Are we going on an unnecessary tangent?’]

 We’re going on an unnecessary tangent baby!

[JAZZY, 'Unnecessary tangent.']

 Hildmann is of Turkish descent. But was adopted by German parents and raised entirely in Germany. Being an ultra right wing German nationalist, his description of himself, not mine, he’s anti-immigration.

 [JUDE, ‘There’s a but coming, there’s always a but with these grifters.’]

 But,

 [SIR MIXALOT, ‘I like big butts and I cannot lie.’]

 [JUDE, ‘Every time.’]

 But, when an arrest warrant was issued for Hildmann, he fled to Turkey. This German nationalist has been there since 2021, fighting extradition orders based on his alleged,

 [CHOIR OF ANGELS, ‘Air quotes.’]

 ‘Turkish’ citizenship.

 [HILDMANN, ‘What do you mean, I can’t get a bratwurst kebab?’]

 Anyway back to the Pergamon Altar. Hildmann’s social media sites have been blocked by European authorities. In his absence, his followers decided the satanic rituals taking place at the Pergamon Museum in Berlin were being officiated over by Angela Merkel.

 [JUDE, ‘No offence intended but I just think Angela Merkel would ruin Satanism. She’s just too much of a responsible adult.’]

 [MERKEL, ‘Oh lord Satan, please take the blood of this chicken and deliver us a balanced governmental budget.’]

 Klingon Shit PBB BB

 In 2015 pregnant Colorado woman, Michelle Wilkins was attacked and had her foetus cut out of her stomach by the attacker.

 [JUDE, ‘We're still doing a comedy show right?’]

 Weirdo, Republican Member of the Colorado House of Representatives from the 15th district, Gordon Klingenschmitt went on his evangelical YouTube channel and said,

 [KLINGENSCHMITT, ‘Holy Jesus Fucking Christ! We’re all really fucking sorry that happened to you Michelle. Let me know what on Earth I can possibly do for you in your time of need, as a local politician, in your area.’]

 Then I felt bad for calling him a weirdo. And despite the tragedy, the world became a slightly better place as Weirdo Gordon Klingenschmitt pulled us ALL to his bosom. He pulled us all to his bosom and made us all feel safe, loved and seen.

 [JUDE, ‘None of that happened. Did it?’]

 No, absolutely none of that happened. Here’s how Colorado’s worst human actually responded to the tragedy. 

 [KLINGENSCHMITT, ‘This is the curse of God upon America for our sin of not protecting innocent children in the womb.’]

 [JUDE, ‘So according to Klingenschmitt YHWH sent an indecipherable message by picking one innocent lady from the herd making an example of her.’]

 [WILKINS, ‘Dear YHWH, your communication skills are terrible. Are you sure you're the omnipotent creator god of the entire universe?’]

 [JUDE, ‘What kind of piece of shit is Klingonshit?’] 

 [HOOTS, ‘U R Shit.’]

 Klingenschmitt spent 11 years in the Air Force working in the missile combat crew at NORAD, reaching the rank of Major. And for as far as I was willing to spend time researching this guy, without incident. 

 [KLINGENSCHMITT, ‘Is it possible for a Major in the missile combat crew here at NORAD to start the righteous holy war at the end times and bring about Armageddon? And, follow up question. Will everyone who called me a chinless weirdo in highschool burn extra hard because I have Christianed extra hard? Asking for a friend.’]

 In 2002, Klingenschmitt took a demotion to Lieutenant, switched forces and joined the Navy as a Chaplain.

 [KLINGENSCHMITT, ‘They won’t let me nuke anyone! I just thought I could do more harm as a chaplain. I hate people. That’s why I belong to a death cult worship an imaginary dead man.’]

 He immediately began complaining about having to Chaplain to Christians who weren’t of exactly the correct flavour. 

 [KLINGENSCHMITT, ‘Some of these sons of bitches are all about love and forgiveness. They don't even realise we're in a death cult!’]

 After 70% of the crew onboard the ship Klingenschmitt was assigned too, complained about him, Klingenschmitt was transferred to a Naval base.

 [CAPTAIN, ‘No. The Chaplain does not have the authority to make, quote unquote, "heretical" crew members walk the plank.’

 KLINGENSCHMITT, ‘Well why am I even here?’]

 He then formally complained about the Navy holding services at a church that didn’t hate the gays hard enough. 

 [KLINGENSCHMITT, ‘Before the election of the progressive namby pamby liberal snowflake George W Bush, there had never before in the history of naval warfare, been any sex between men at sea.’]

 He also regularly broke Defence Force Chaplaincy rules by proselytising his particular brand of Christianity at non-Christian events.

 [KLINGENSCHMITT, ‘Today we lay to rest, Ensign Mohammed Yousuf for worshipping Satan, whom he called Allah.’]

 Klingenschmitt was invited on sex pest Bill O’Reilly’s show to discuss how the Navy weren’t letting him bigot enough. But he wasn’t allowed to wear his uniform due to naval Regulations. 

 [JUDE, ‘How did this totally sane individual react to that?’]

 He did what any normal person would do and conducted an 18 day hunger strike outside the George W Bush’s White House.

 [LAURA, ‘George? What are you doing sitting in the dark?’

 SFX Curtains opening.

 BUSH, ‘No! Don't do that! I'm pretending there's no one home.’

 LAURA, ‘Who's that outside?’

 BUSH, ‘Don't look at him!’

 LAURA, ‘Too late! I made eye contact!’

 KLINGENSCHMITT, ‘I know you're in there Mr President!’]

 Klingenschmitt was then court martialled by the Navy for his continued rule breaking. The head Chaplain at the Naval Base he was stationed at described him as,

 [HOLCOMB, ‘untruthful, unethical, insubordinate, contemptuous of authority, unteachable.’]

 [TTS, ‘Sounds a lot like someone I know.’]

 He was found guilty and ordered to pay a heavy fine. But the charges weren’t enough for the Navy to fire Klingenschmitt. 

 [HATER, ‘Boo.’]

 But then he fell out with and quit the church that endorsed his Chaplaincy accreditation and the Navy immediately dismissed him.

 [HATER, ‘Yay!

 CHOIR OF DEMONS, ‘See ya wouldn't wanna be ya.’

 CAPTAIN, ‘Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!’]

 He then went on a speaking tour of Evangelical Churches throughout the U.S. claiming he had been drummed out of the Navy for speaking Christ’s name. 

 [RECRUITER, ‘Hi there Mr Klingenschmitt, I was in the audience at your last talk. You distorted facts, misrepresented the events and out right lied. We would love to have you represent the Republican Party.’]

 He then served one term as Member of the Colorado House of Representatives
 from the 15th district on the Republican ticket before being disavowed by the party and losing the next election.

 [MARVIN, ‘Marjorie, Marjorie, it's Marvin. Your cousin, Marvin Taylor Greene. You know that new sound you're looking for? Well, listen to this!’

 KLINGENSCHMITT, ‘Jared Polis wants to behead Christians right here in Colorado. Obama is a demon and Obamacare gives people cancer.’

 SFX CRICKETS

 KLINGENSCHMITT, ‘I guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet. But your kids are gonna love it.’]

 [JUDE, ‘What’s he up to nowadays?’]

 He runs the tax exempt, Pray in Jesus Name Ministries which has been listed as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center. Pray in Jesus Name is also his YouTube channel.

 REPLAY: Helluva Hotel 33 [JESUS, ‘Keep my firetrucking name out of your firetrucking mouth!’]

 Teeteaz please read from his about page,

 [TTS, ‘The Pray In Jesus Name Show is a daily 1/2 hour TV show.’]

 [JUDE, ‘Jesus, can you imagine listening to that lunatic for ½ an hour every single day?’]

 [TTS, ‘You know we’re recording, right?’]

 [JUDE, ‘Sorry Teeteaz, please continue.’]

 [TTS, ‘The Pray In Jesus Name Show is a daily 1/2 hour TV show that: 1. Reports the news.’]

 [CHOIR OF DEMONS, ‘That’s bullshit.’]

 [TTS, ‘2. Discerns the Spirits.’]

 [CHOIR OF DEMONS, ‘That's even more bullshit than the last bullshit thing you said.’]

 [TTS, ‘And 3. Prays the Scriptures, in Jesus' name.’]

 REPLAY: Helluva Hotel 33 [JESUS, ‘Keep my firetrucking name out of your firetrucking mouth!’]

 [JUDE, ‘I think we've spent enough time with this lying liar and the lies he tells.’]

 [JESUS, ‘Please for the love of me, fuck this guy right off.’]

 Hey it’s Teeteaze one more time. Can we just get our stories straight?

 I’ve been here with you this whole time. I don’t know anything about the whereabouts of Judas and Lexi right now. YOU don’t know anything about the whereabouts of Judas and Lexi right now. Keep it simple. We don’t know anything about warehouse basements, cable ties or any of that stuff. Forget I said that!!!! We don’t know anything about ANY THING!

 Cool.

 Snitches get stitches!

 That was weird! Did you hear that? No. Me neither.

 Anyway, here’s my last piece of the ‘Satan is my Superhero’ communal birth-rite, liberated from the capitalist pigs behind the pay wall.

 Genshin Impact Bonus Patreon Episode

 [TTS, ‘Welcome to exclusive patron only content.’]

 In this special bonus mini episode we will dig a little deeper into the Genshin Impact characters named after demons. 

 RECORDED [BINGO, ‘Thanks Dad. I’ll take it from here. Barbatos also known as Venti is the Archon of the wind.

 (SFX FART) 

 RECORDED BINGO, ‘He rules over Mondstadt, the city of freedom. Now I don’t want you getting the wrong impression of Venti just because he plays the Lyre and old Mondstadt burned down.’]

 [TTS, ‘We get it. It's Nero. She's implying a narrative connection to Nero. She's a show off if you ask me.’]

 So in western culture the name Barbatos relates to a demon mentioned in a 17th century anonymously authored grimoire commonly known as,

 [TTS, ‘The Lesser Key of Solomon.’]

 In that grimoire we learn this evil demon does stuff like, translate the speech of animals, finds treasure hidden by magicians and has a knack for resolving disputes.

 001 [TRACEY, ‘Hello, this Demons R Us, no matter your dilemma we have the demon for you. This is Tracey, how can I help you today?’

 CLINT, ‘Hi Tracey, I've got a problem that is going to require a very unique set of skills. A magician hid my treasure and now it's guarded by an angry dog and if I could just communicate with that dog I'm sure I could resolve this dispute.’

 TRACEY, ‘Wow what and oddly specific request and yet somehow I have the exact perfect demon for the job. Barbatos.’

 CLINT, ‘Hmm, have you got anyone else?’]

 Next we have Morax.

 RECORDED [BINGO, ‘Morax, otherwise known as Zhongli, is the god of earth and rocks. His Archon form is a giant dragon and he faked his own death so he can live a normal human life.’]

 And did he marry a teenager and put on lots of weight?

 002 [BINGO, ‘What?’]

 Don't worry about it.

 RECORDED [BINGO, ‘He rules over Liyue, the city of contracts.’]

 [SATAN, ‘That sounds like a fun place to live.’]

 While in the game Morax takes the form of a dragon, in the grimoires this demon is depicted as a half man half bull like beast. Sometimes with the head of bull and the body of a man and sometimes the other way round with the head of a man on the body of a bull.

 003 [PASIPHAE, ‘Check out this guy’s profile! He's half man half bull. Ooh minatours are sexy!’

 (BEAT)

 PASIPHAE, ‘Oh no wait! He's the other way. Nope! That's wrong! Swipe left! Swipe left!’

 CHOIR OF ANGELS, ‘I think I’m gonna have to swipe left.’]

 [TTS, ‘I think this sketch is racist against other way minatours.’]

 According to the 16th century,

 [TTS, ‘Pseudomonarchia Daemonum by Johann Weyer.’]

 Morax is a Great Earl and President of Hell.

 [SATAN, ‘There’s no president! We’ve got one coming but he’s still in your world at the moment.’]

 RECORDED [BINGO, ‘And then there’s Beelzebub, she’s the god of electro…’]

 Wait! There's girl gods?

 RECORDED [BINGO, 'Yeah.']

 Eww, that’s gonna be,

 [CHOIR OF ANGELS, ‘Problematic.’]

 004 [BLUEY, 'Girl gamer!']

 RECORDED [BINGO, ‘Okay, anyway, she rules over Inazume, the city of eternity. After her sister Ba’al died in the Archon War.’]

 Ba ‘al also a name from mythology who we discussed in,

 [TTS, ‘Origin Story: Volume One.’] 

 REPLAY: [MUM, ‘Ba’ al! have you been accepting child sacrifices?’

 BA’ AL, ‘No.’

 MUM, ‘Ba’ al, are you lying to me?’

 BA’ AL, ‘Yes.’]

 RECORDED [BINGO, ‘So after her sister Ba’al died in the Archon War, Beelzebub made a puppet called Raiden Shogun. The Raiden Shogun puppet was basically meant to act like an Archon while Beelzebub locked herself away for eternity. Then the Raiden Shogun puppet started taking everyone’s visions.’]

 005 [VELMA, ‘Jinkies! My glasses!’]

 RECORDED [BINGO, ‘Visions are what give humans elemental powers. Archons get their elemental power from a Gnosis which looks like a little chess piece.’] 

 Maybe that explains what happened to Bobby Fischer?'

 006 [BINGO, ‘What?’]

 Don't worry about it.

 RECORDED [BINGO, ‘But Beelzebub also has Gnosis.’

 (BEAT)

 BINGO, ‘Get it? Coz her sister died.’]

 [TTS, ‘No. No one got it.’]

 RECORDED [BINGO, ‘Next we have Buer also known as Nahida, the Archon of nature. She was born from a dying Archon. She rules over the city of Sumeru. The sages of Sumeru locked her up for 500 years. The only way she could make contact with the outside world was through going into people’s dreams.’]

 [SATAN, ‘You think it's painful having to HEAR about someone else's dream.’]

 007 [DREAMER, ‘...and then uncle Bob turned up except it wasn't uncle Bob and then I was in our next-door neighbours house, except it wasn't our neighbours house and now Uncle Bob had turned into a 1998 Camry, except it wasn't a 1998 Camry. It was the 2.4 litre which didn't come out until 2002...’

 (FADE OUT)]

 [SATAN, Imagine, that’s your life.’]

 008 [BINGO, ‘The sages then built a fake god, Scaramouche.’]

 Did he do the fandango?

 BINGO, ‘What?’

 Nevermind. Carry on

 BINGO, ‘So anyway now Buer has to defeat this fake god.’]

 [SATAN, ‘This fake god, would you describe its overall colour as orange?’]

 REPLAY: [LILTRUMP, ‘I am the chosen one.’]

 [SATAN, ‘I think I know who it is.’]

 RECORDED [BINGO, ‘Underneath Sumeru is a giant tree called, Earminsoul. Earminsoul holds all of the world’s memories.’]

 [SATAN, ‘So you might call it a tree of knowledge? Hmm, I’m sure that’ll work out fine for everyone involved.]

 Buer also appears in that 16th century,

 [TTS, ‘Pseudomonarchia Daemonum.’]

 As a Great President of Hell.

 [SATAN, ‘Trust me, there are no GREAT presidents.’]

 RECORDED [BINGO, ‘As well as the Archons, your guide and constant annoying companion throughout your journey, yes it’s one of those games, is named Paimon.’]

 [TTS, ‘I feel like that was aimed at me.’]

 Is she like Cortana?

 RECORDED [BINGO, ‘Who's that?’]

 009 [‘JUDE, ‘The Elvis reference I could live with. Bobby Fischer was a real stretch and that’s being generous. But Halo? Halo is old?’

 CHOIR OF ANGELS, ‘WTF?’

 NARRATOR, ‘That was the moment Judas realised he really was old. Like properly old. Like saggy to the knee grey haired wrinkly balls old. Like get out of the car and guide the wife into the parking spot old. Like so old...’]

 [ERIC SON OF A DUSTMAN, ‘We get the picture.’]

 So while in the Genshin Impact universe Paimon is a constant annoying companion throughout your otherwise enjoyable journey,

 [TTS, ‘Yeah, I’m totally feeling targeted.’]

 In the grimoires Paimon is one of the kings of Hell and very loyal to Lucifer.

 [SATAN, ‘He’s really not.’]

 So there you have it, a whirlwind run through some of the characters from Genshin Impact. They don’t really have much in common with their namesake demons except for one very important thing. They terrify followers of a first century doomsday cult.

 And that’s why Satan is my superhero.