Gods Who Would Totally Get Cancelled Today

What do Satan, a horny goat god, and lettuce soaked in semen have in common?
They were all part of the ancient blueprint for the devil we know today. In this minisode, we finish our whirlwind tour of the Ancient Near East and Mediterranean gods who got retrofitted into Christianity’s ultimate villain.

From Hades and Pan to Set and Apep, we explore how early Christians demonized other people's gods, turning fertility symbols into hellish nightmares and chaotic uncles into eternal enemies. Along the way, you'll meet tricksters, chaos monsters and mythological disasters that would absolutely get cancelled in 2025.

Original comedy sketches, Satanic sass and a warning: this one’s not safe for your Sunday school teacher.

• #satan
• #mythology
• #greekgods
• #hell
• #ancientegypt
• #atheistcomedy
• #religionsatire
• #satanicpanic
• #hornygods
• #historypodcast
• #devilhornsgoddammit

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Transcript

 Gods Who Would Totally Get Cancelled Today

 EP 106

 [JUDE, ‘In this minisode we finish up our tour through the ancient near east and Mediterranean region, looking at the gods and deities that shaped our modern idea of Satan.’]

[SATAN, ‘Thank goodness we're finally leaving this region. I've had sand in my crack for the last two episodes!’]

The influence of the Greeks on post exilic Judaism and Christianity is undeniable. For obvious reasons the Greek god Hades is considered to be an influence on the evolution of Satan. The name Hades is thought to mean, ‘the unseen one’ and he was god of the underworld and riches. 

REPLAY OSV1OG [KAREN, ‘I’d like to speak to the manager!’

APOLLYON, ‘I can help. What seems to be the problem?’

KAREN, ‘I shouldn’t be here. I’m very wealthy.’

APOLLYON, ‘Oh I see, well as you know Hades is the god of the underworld AND wealth.’

KAREN, ‘So?’

APOLLYON, ‘Well they’re intrinsically linked. You’ve had one, now you get the other. I’m sorry, there’s nothing more I can do for you madam.’

KAREN, ‘How dare you assume my gender!’]

Hades plays a part in the overthrow of his father Cronos and kidnaps his niece/wife Persephone. 

[JUDE, ‘So not the best of people but among the pantheon of Greek gods, you know, not the worst.’]

02 [HADES, 'You kidnap one teenage niece into a forced marriage and suddenly you're the bad guy!']

But Hades is not the only Greek deity to share elements of his story with the modern devil. Phaethon, a child of Helios wanted a turn at driving the sun chariot for a day. 

REPLAY OSV1OG [PHAETHON, ‘Dad, Dad, Dad can I drive?’ REPEATED INTO FADE]

His dad does let him drive. He does a terrible job, freezing the Earth in some places and scorching it in others. 

REPLAY OSV1OG [PHAETHON, ‘Sorry about that!’]

Zeus has to throw a thunderbolt at him knocking him out of the chariot where he falls to his death. 

REPLAY OSV1OG [SFX THUNDER FALLING BODY THUD

PHAETHON, ‘Urrgh.’]

[JUDE, ‘So here we have an uppity light bringer falling to Earth once again.’]

[SATAN, 'If didn't know better I'd say the underlying message with all these fellows is, don't seek knowledge and accept your position in life.']

Pan was the Greek god of music, sex, shepherds and their sheep. 

[JUDE, ‘Sex, shepherds and their sheep?’]

That’s right Kiwi boy.

[BAA]

[JUDE, ‘Might have just found my god.’]

Pan was the popstar of Greek gods. So early Christians probably saw his likeness everywhere. Part of the demonizing of the Greco-Roman gods resulted in Pan’s appearance being a big influence on the look of Satan. 

[SATAN, 'He is very handsome. He also has a goat butt. And I don't mean Greatest of all Time butt. I happen to have THAT kind of butt.']

Pan had little goat horns and hooves for feet. This is the teenaged version of the devil you know today.

03 [CUTSIE, ‘Oh it’s a baby Satan!’]

Moving on from Greece, Enki was the Sumerian god of creation, water, crafts, knowledge and mischief. 

04 [AUSTIN POWERS, ‘Oh behave!’]

You’ll be interested to know, Enki got himself pregnant by drinking his own semen. 

[SATAN, ‘He only told everyone that so they’d all try it. It doesn’t work by the way.’]

Not particularly Satanic but I just wanted to mention the semen. Although Enki does wear a horned crown. 

05 [ENKI, ‘You know the difference between those others gods and me? I make these horns look good.’]

As we seen with previous mythologies horns are a common feature among the old gods.

06 [FASHIONISTA, ‘Oh you simply must have horns darling! Nothing screams bronze age god like horns. Am I right? Yes I'm right. It was a rhetorical question.’]

Bulls show up all the time in the mythologies of the near east. We’ve seen it ourselves. The bull was regarded as a symbol of fertility. 

[JUDE, ‘And we’ve certainly seen some fertility!’]

07 [PAGAN, ‘Looking at you Enki.’]

So horns on the head had no connotations of evil. That was never the point. Get it? Horn, point?

[JAZZY, ‘Sorry for the Dad Joke.’]

The bull signifies crops in the field and children in the house. That’s as good as life gets prior to the industrial revolution.

08 [BRONZE AGE, ‘I'm just trying to make it to 40 without being killed by my own teeth!’]

Early adopters of Jesus and the later Greco-Roman Christians demonize Ba’ al, Pan, Enki and others. Harmless nature gods are turned into wicked malcontents. Those horns go from signifying food and babies in our bellies to babies in our bellies as food. 

09 [PAGAN, ‘Baby?’

HEATHEN, ‘Oh I couldn't possibly. I filled up on puppies and kittens earlier.’]

It’s plain to see the evolutionary pressure on the early church to put horns on Satan.

REPLAY OSV1OG [JJ, ‘How will we know the false gods?’

MOSES, ‘It’s easy peezy. The false gods have the horns.’

INDIA, ‘And false gods bad right?’

MOSES, ‘Oh for BEEP’s sake! I’ll go through it one more time. False gods bad, really bad. Like the, the, they’re the worst! There’s nothing more… just look for the horns alright. Look for the horns.’]

In Egyptian mythology there are two lords of chaos who can be loosely associated with a Satan like character. The trickster Set murders his brother Osiris and cuts him up dispersing his body parts all over Egypt to claim the throne. 

[JUDE, ‘I mean that’s extreme.’]

And just imagine receiving one of those packages.

REPLAY OSV1OG [ANUBIS, ‘I have a package for you.’

APEP, ‘Who’s it from?’

ANUBIS, ‘Set.’

APEP, ‘Any idea what it is?’

ANUBIS, ‘Yes and my advice to you, don’t open it.’

APEP, ‘Well I’m definitely going to open it now!’

ANUBIS, ‘I know.’

(beat)

ANUBIS, ‘Nice nightmares, sucker.’]

After the murder, Osiris’s son Horus, challenges Set, for that throne.  

10 [HORUS, 'I call dibs on the throne!'

SET, 'No fair! I thought about calling dibs before you said it!']

During the fight, Set attempts to sexually assault his nephew.

[Gross!]

[JUDE, ‘When I was growing up, everyone had one of those uncles.’]

11 [MUM, ‘And remember kiddies, don't get caught alone with Uncle Set.’

KID, ‘Maybe Uncle Set shouldn't be invited?’]

The other devilish Egyptian is Apep, who is often depicted as a serpent. 

12 [JONES, 'Snakes, why'd it have to be snakes?'

SFX BULLWHIP

SFX ANGRY SNAKES

SFX Jones killed by snakes

JONES, 'Arrrgggghhh!']

The sun god Ra travels through the underworld at night. 

13 [RA, 'Anytime I go down there, I carry my car keys between my knuckles.']

Apep lies in wait for Ra, in the hope of trapping him there, so dawn might never come again to the Earth.

14 [APEP, 'It's the only way well get Project 2025, through the Senate.']

Ironically, it is our other devilish Egyptian, creepy Uncle Set who protects Ra in the underworld. 

15 [SET, 'I'm watching your back Ra.'

RA, 'Seriously! Is there really NO ONE else who could handle this?']

Over time Set starts to get big headed with his power. Believing himself the only one who can defeat Apep. He starts telling everyone he might just let Apep win next time. 

16 [SET, 'Sure is a nice world you've got here. Certainly would be a shame if anything were to happen to it.']

Now remember how creepy uncle Set attempts to sexually assault his nephew Horus? Well in one of the myths, during one of their many battles/attempted SAs Horus castrates Set. 

REPLAY: THW 19 NEEDS TO BE CUT [SFX SEVERE BEATING

CHERUBINO, 'Not my nads!'

SFX RIPPING NUTSACK

CHERUBINO, 'Arrrgggghhh! Me nads! Me precious nads.']

And listen to Apep roasting Set after the event.

REPLAY OSV1OG [APEP, 'What you felt is worse than the sting of the scorpion. You will suffer from its effect forever! You will never go a-courting!']

[HOOTS, ‘Always thought you had such a nice set of balls.’]

Interestingly in one text Apep’s name is always written in red. Some scholars believe this was significant and red was the colour of malignance. 

[SATAN, ‘Well now I'M offended!’]

Set was also depicted in art as having red hair. Because of this, he was associated with foreigners and became a god of foreign trade. 

[JUDE, ‘That’s nice. So to all you red heads out there, you have a patron in ancient Egypt.’]

REPLAY OSV1OG [SET, ‘Welcome to Egypt red headed stranger! Now to get you started here is a map to the pyramids, some complimentary tokens for the Sphinx ride and a 20% off voucher for any mummification you’d like to get done while you’re here. As my part was so poorly researched, I can only ask, are there any other stereotypical clichés about ancient Egypt I can help you with?’

REDHEAD, ‘Um yeah, what I really need is some shade.’]

Set’s favourite food was lettuce, which according to one myth, was covered in Horus’s semen. 

[SATAN, ‘Lettuce used to be a lot saltier.’]

[JUDE, ‘Did you just mention semen again?’]

Yep.

[JUDE, ‘So what can we take away from this mini-series of minisodes, on the ancient origins of our modern devil?’]

The blueprints for today’s Satan were laid out through the demonization of other people’s beliefs. 

[JUDE, ‘Christians have absolutely no imagination.  And that's why Satan is my Superhero.’]

Post Credit

11B [KID, ‘Maybe Uncle Set should be under state supervision?’

MUM, ‘Your ideas are whack.’]