Baals Deep How Horny Storm Gods Became the Devil

In this Origins minisode of Satan Is My Superhero, we plunge Ba’als deep (yeah, we went there) into the ancient world of horned gods, storm gods, and seven headed sea monsters that helped shape the modern image of Satan. Meet Ba’al Hadid the OG bringer of storms, plus other Ba’als who were demonized by the Bible’s propaganda machine. We’ll expose how gods like Attar (aka Venus, the Morning Star) and Lotan (the Leviathan’s cousin) got turned from local heroes into poster boys for Satanic evil.

Learn how ancient deities of Mesopotamia, Phoenicia, and Canaan were rebranded as demons by Judaism and Christianity, all in the service of religious mind control. We’re talking horns, cloven hooves, bull headdresses, tridents, cow sex scandals (sorry Daisy), and the original war for your soul. Expect a fast-paced blend of real history, mythology, and dark comedy that shows how the Judeo-Christian devil was built from the shattered reputations of earlier gods.

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#Satan #Ba’al #Leviathan #StormGod #CanaaniteGods #HornedGod #AncientMythology #BibleMyths #DevilOrigins #Lucifer #MorningStar #ReligiousSatire #ComedyPodcast #AtheistPodcast #MythologyPodcast #HistoryPodcast #AncientGods #BiblicalHistory #SatanicPanic #SatanicComedy #AncientDeities

Transcript

[DISCLAIMER GUY, ‘Any resemblance to real persons or other real-life entities is purely coincidental. All characters and other entities appearing here are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, dead or alive, or other real-life entities, past or present, is purely coincidental.'

(BEAT)

DISCLAIMER GUY, 'Having said all that….’

(BEAT)

DISCLAIMER GUY, ‘Ahem. All praise the mighty bringer of storms, Ba'al Hadid. May he see it fit to bless this harvest with his eternal benevolence.'

(BEAT)

DISCLAIMER GUY, ‘Just in case.']

TRANSITION

[INTRO]

[JUDAS, ‘In this miniseries of minisodes we will be pulling apart one of our year one episodes, adding new jokes and just doing it better.’]

[AI MAN, ‘Oh yeah! That’s the spot!’]

In this ‘Origins’ series we’ll be looking at some ancient deities and demons that have arguably had an influence on the modern idea of the Judeo-Christian devil. Red, horns, cloven hooves, serpent tail, trident, you know the one.

[SATAN, ‘You just described Hellboy!’]

Let’s start by diving face first into some Ba’ als.

 [IDIOCRACY, ‘Ow my balls!’]

You’ve probably heard of the Akkadian god, Ba’ al. Like so many names from antiquity Ba’ al isn’t necessarily a name but a title. It’s equivalent to lord. So Ba’ al Zebub is Lord of Flies. 

[SFX BUZZING FLIES]

[JUDAS, ‘Zebub is a way better name for flies. How did we end up calling flies, flies?’]

 [AIDE, ‘Come on man we need a name for these things.’

NAMER, ‘I bored and tired can't we just go home?’

AIDE, ‘No. We've got to get this done.’

NAMER, ‘Alright call them Flies.’

AIDE, ‘Really? I would not describe that as their most significant feature.’

NAMER, ‘No, but we can't really call them Maggot Laying Shit eating Disease Machines can we.’]

So when the Bible mentions Ba’ al, it's not necessarily the same Ba' al each time.   

 [CHRISTIAN, 'All these Ba' als look the same to me.'

PAGAN, 'You're a racist.'

CHRISTIAN, 'Oh, no. It's a common mistake. You’d be surprised how often I get called that. No, I'm a Christian.'

PAGAN, 'Yeah, that's what I said.']

Ba’ al Haddid would be the most prominent of the Ba’ als. Haddid is a storm god. The weather being very important to the early agriculturalists of Mesopotamia and surrounds. 

 [FARMER, ‘Dear Ba' al Hadid, would some fucking rain kill ya? We're parched here!’

CASTANZA, ‘These pretzels are making me thirsty!’]

Haddid was worshipped by the people, the Bible calls Canaanites. 

 [SFX CROWD GOES WILD

LILTRUMP, ‘When Canaan sends its people, they're not sending their best.’

BOO

LILTRUMP, ‘They're not sending you. 

CROWD GOES WILD

LILTRUMP, ‘They're not sending you. 

CROWD GOES WILD

LILTRUMP, ‘They're sending people that have lots of problems.’ 

BOO

LILTRUMP, ‘And they're bringing those problems with us.’

BOO

LILTRUMP, ‘They're bringing drugs.’

CROWD GOES WILD 

RECORD SCRATCH

BOO

LILTRUMP, ‘They're bringing crime.’

BOO

LILTRUMP, ‘They're rapists.’

BOO

LILTRUMP, ‘And some, I assume, are good people.’

CRICKETS]

God of the filthy Canaanites, Ba’al is usually depicted wearing a bull headdress with two prominent horns sticking out. 

[SATAN, ‘It's not how prominent the horns are, it's what you do with them that counts.’]

In one of the Canaanite story’s Haddid has gotten too big for his boots and his dad El makes one of his other sons, Yamm supreme god. 

 [HADID, ‘Enjoy being Dad's favourite Yamm. You'll never get a girlfriend, loser!’]

Our Ba’ al does not take this well. His Dad sends messengers to let him know he has to bow to his brother Yamm and Haddid just keeps not replying. 

[JUDAS, ‘Ooh, Ba’al Hadid invented ghosting!']

Eventually Haddid and Yamm come to blows. During the ensuing chaos Hadid fights and defeats a familiar sounding seven headed sea monster called Lotan. 

[SATAN, ‘All the best beasts have seven heads.’]

In the Old Testament, there’s a monster called, Leviathan. Who is thought to be directly plagiarised from Lotan. In Isaiah we get, 

[ISAIAH, ‘In that day the Lord with his sore and great and strong sword shall punish leviathan the piercing serpent, even leviathan that crooked serpent; and he shall slay the dragon that is in the sea.’

TRANSITION

LEVIATHAN, ‘I would totally kick YHWH'S arse in a fight. Why are you looking at me like that?’

YHWH, ‘Ahem.’

LEVIATHAN, ‘YHWH'S standing right behind me, isn't he?’]

And in Job we get this VERY Satan like description of Leviathan’s personality.

 [JOB, ‘Will he make many supplications unto thee? will he speak soft words unto thee? Will he make a covenant with thee?’]

[SATAN, ‘Oh it's a sin to be friendly now! I see.’]

And of course, you will remember the seven headed sea monster from the Book of Revelation.

 [JOHN, ‘And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy.’]

 [LEVIATHAN, ‘Why are you looking at me like that? There's something written on my heads isn't there?’]

So getting back to Ba’al. In another story, in order to deceive Mot the god of death, Ba’ al has sex with a heifer. 

[JUDAS, ‘Look if it’s that or dying... you know.’]

[SEXY MOO]

Ba’al Hadid wasn’t a necessarily evil entity. There was that time he had sex with a heifer but you know, different times.

[HADID, 'This here are my three wives. Rachel, Naomi and Daisy.'

DAISY, 'Moo.'

HADID, ‘Shut up Daisy!’]

But Ba'al became demonized by the competing monotheistic religions of Judaism, Christianity and Zoroastrianism. 

 [CHRISTIAN, 'Piss off Ba'al. No one wants you here.']

All through the Old Testament, the founding fathers are constantly fighting off the influence of the other competing religions. 

 [HADID, ‘Can't we all just get along?’

CHRISTIAN, ‘No!’]

Most of what they wrote wasn’t so much apocalyptic prophecy or even philosophy as it was just propaganda. They were fighting a war of mind control.

REPLAY OSV OG [JJ, ‘Excuse me Moses, sorry to bother you but we’ve got a scheduling problem this Sabbath.’

INDI, ‘Yeah scheduling problem on the Sabbath.’

MOSES, ‘Right?’

JJ, ‘We’ve got a Ba’ al thing on that day.’ 

INDI, ‘Yeah, a Ba’ al thing on the same day.’

MOSES, ‘Oh for BLEEP’s sake! How many times have we gone over this? You can’t worship Ba’ al AND YhWh. I can’t keep going over this time and time again. I know it’s hard to remember all the rules, but come on guys! It’s the first one, that’s why we put it first.’

INDI, ‘So you think, move the Ba’ al thing then?’]

In the Phoenician city of Tyre, Baʿal Karnaim, Lord of the Two Horns, was worshipped as the local supreme deity. 

 [KARNAIM, ‘Welcome to Tyre, I am the supreme deity here, Baʿal Karnaim, Lord of the Two Horns.’

ROMAN, ‘Okay. Is there a Lord of the One Horn?’

KARNAIM, ‘No?’

ROMAN, ‘A Lord of the Three Horns?’

KARNAIM, ‘No!’

ROMAN, ‘Four, five, six or seven horns?’

KARNAIM, ‘No, no, no and no!’

ROMAN, ‘Well why specify the number dickhead?’

CHOIR OF ANGELS, ‘Dickhead.’

KARNAIM, ‘No need to be mean.’]

Roman chroniclers would later claim children were sacrificed to this god. 

[JUDAS, ‘Not a good look.’]

REPLAY OSV OG [MUM, ‘Ba’ al! have you been accepting child sacrifices?’

BA’ AL, ‘No.’

MUM, ‘Ba’ al, are you lying to me?’

BA’ AL, ‘Yes.’]

Another demonized god in the region was, Attar who was a god of war and thunder. Most interestingly for us, Attar is associated with Venus, the morning star. 

[CHILD, ‘Mummy why is the Morning Star evil?’

MUM, ‘There’s only two possible reasons you will ever see the Morning Star. Reason one, doing the walk of shame carrying your panties scrunched up in the top pocket of a jacket you took from a sleeping homeless man. Or even worse, reason two, this is the time you go to work.’]

Attar usurps Ba’al only to then be thrown down to the underworld where he now rules. 

[ATTAR, ‘Yeah Ba’al! Well at least I never fucked a cow!’]

In some accounts, after Attar sits on Ba’al’s throne he realizes he’s too short for it and gives up the kingdom. Then VOLUNTARILY goes to the underworld.

[ATTAR, ‘It turns out, fucking the cow is part of the gig.’

COW, ‘Moo.’

ATTAR, ‘So Ba’al can keep it.’

COW SAD, ‘Moo.’

HADID, ‘Shut up Daisy!’]

[JUDAS, ‘What can we take away from the Ba’als?’]

All through history we have examples of usurpers destroying and demonising the images of the previous regime. That's all that is going on here with the Ba'als and their horns. It’s not personal, it’s just business. And that’s why Satan is my Superhero.