Seven Seals and a Butthole: Revelation Chapter 5

What are the Seven Seals in the Book of Revelation, and why does every end times movie obsess over them? 
In this episode, we tear into Revelation Chapter 5—where YHWH clutches an unreadable book, a slain lamb shows up with seven horns and seven eyes, and a countless horde of angels simps hard for the apocalypse. Also featuring: thoughts and prayers (now available in jar form), David Koresh laying down the rules, and Jesus—just a lonely guy looking for love.

Expect savage biblical satire, original comedy sketches, and even some punk rock as we question the foundations of christian prophecy, heaven, and the entire end times narrative. Whether you're into religious history, skepticism, or just love blasphemous comedy, this deep dive will crack you up—and crack the seals wide open (you see what we did there...).

Catch up on our previous Book of Revelation episodes here:
Ep. 00 | Ep. 01 | Ep. 02 | Ep. 03 | Ep. 04

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Transcript

 [JUDE, ‘In this episode we continue our journey with John of Patmos as he tries to convince us, he's been to Heaven.']

01 [JOHN, 'You wouldn't know it. It goes to another school, in Canada.']

Okay, so in chapter four of,

REPLAY: BOR00 01 [ANNOUNCER, ‘The Book of Revelation.’]

John of Patmos claimed to have been beamed up to Heaven, alien abduction style. 

02 [SFX TRACTOR BEAM

BILLYHILL, 'Leave my butthole alone, you filthy aliens!']

John also admitted that while experiencing these visions of Heaven he had been, 'in the spirit'.

[SFX BONG]

So far John has described YHWH sitting on a throne, surrounded by a cohort of screeching terrifying angels and a council of 24 elders hanging the lord's every word.

[JUDE, ‘Heaven sounds like an unmitigated living Hell.']

[SATAN, 'Yes. But in its defence. It's also boring.']

Chapter Five. Verse One.

03 [JOHN, ‘And I saw in the right hand of him that sat on the throne a book written within and on the backside, sealed with seven seals.’]

The book mentioned there is YHWH'S naughty or nice list.

REPLAY BOR03 19 [JIMMY, ‘Santa, I would like a playstation for Christmas.’ 

SANTA, ‘Ho, ho, ho, little Jimmy. I'm sorry but you thought about boobs after seeing down Mrs Wilson's top. You're going to be murdered by the omnipotent creator god of the entire universe. Sleep well.’]

[JUDE, ‘I have a personal bugbear with the seven seals. In every Hollywood end of days movie, there’s always, the seven seals and almost nothing else from Revelation. What's that all about?’]

04 [PRODUCER, 'When you first pitched this idea to me, I couldn't believe no one had thought of doing Revelation the Movie before!

WRITER, 'I know right? It's so filmic!'

PRODUCER, 'Oh my god! It's  sooooo filmic. Anywho, the accountants have been through your script and made some cuts. Have a look, see what you think.'

WRITER, 'They've cut the seven headed beast rising out of the ocean. The army of locusts with human faces, lion’s teeth and scorpion tails coming out of the pit of Hell. The two hundred thousand horsemen wearing flaming breastplates. Riding horses with lions heads, breathing fire with tails that are serpents with multiple heads. There’s no topless Jezebel riding a dragon. There’s no dragon at all!’

PRODUCER, ‘Yep.’

WRITER, ‘So the only part of Revelation we're keeping is the seven seals?'

PRODUCER, ‘Yes. As long as we only talk about them in dialogue.']

Verse Two.

05 [JOHN, ‘And I saw a strong angel proclaiming with a loud voice,’

ANGEL, ‘Who is worthy to open the book, and to loose the seals thereof?’

TRANSITION

LIBRARIAN, ‘Hey! No proclaiming with a loud voice. This is a library.'

ANGEL WHISPERING, 'Sorry. I got excited at the possibility of the end of days. I can’t wait for it to be over. Not only is Heaven an unmitigated living Hell, it’s also boring.']

Verse Three.

06 [JOHN, ‘And no man in heaven, nor in earth, neither under the earth, was able to open the book, neither to look thereon.’]

[JUDE, ‘YHWH made a book no one can open. Typical.’]

07 [TRUMPET TRIUMPHANT

ANGEL, 'YHWH, did you superglue the book closed again?'

TRUMPET HAPPY

ANGEL, 'That doesn't make it okay!'

TRUMPET SAD]

Verse Four.

08 [JOHN, ‘And I wept much, because no man was found worthy to open and to read the book, neither to look thereon.’]

[JUDE, ‘John's not a great house guest. He comes over to your place and because you have a book he can't open, he starts weeping!’]

09 [JOHN SOBBING, ‘Why won't you let me open this book?'

MUM, ‘That’s my daughter’s diary! I would never… I um, I just don’t know…'

JOHN SOBBING, ‘It’s pornography isn’t it’

MUM, ‘What?’

JOHN SOBBING, ‘That’s why you won’t let me look!’

MUM, ‘I need you to leave right now.’

JOHN SOBBING, ‘Can I take the diary?’]

Verse Five.

10 [JOHN, ‘And one of the elders saith unto me, Weep not: behold, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, hath prevailed to open the book, and to loose the seven seals thereof.’]

In case you're wondering, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David is Jesus.

[JUDE, 'In the Australian vernacular, David's root is something quite different.']

Only Jesus has the authority to open YHWH'S naughty or nice list.

[JUDE, ‘But according to the totally not made up after the fact Holy Trinity, Jesus IS YHWH, so it’s completely meaningless that Jesus knows YHWH’s password.’]

[SATAN, ‘It’s 6969.’]

John of Patmos is making up his story a hundred years before that. So you can't blame him for not knowing about it.

11 [JOHN, 'I sure hope there aren't any unexpected and unjustified doctrinal shifts over the next century. Because, boy will I have egg on my face!']

Verse Six.

12 [JOHN, ‘And I beheld, and, lo, in the midst of the throne and of the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb as it had been slain, having seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven Spirits of God sent forth into all the earth.’]

[JUDE, 'How does John envision these seven horns and seven eyes being arranged on this slain lamb? Like can you imagine the first art department meeting for this concept?’]

13 [JOHN, 'The way I saw it was, a perfect circle of seven eyes and seven horns around the butthole.'

BRIANNA, 'So nine eyes and horns then?'

JOHN, 'No! Seven.'

BRIANNA, 'So this lamb had no eyes on its face or horns on its head?'

JOHN, 'I'm just telling you what I saw Brianna!'

BRIANNA, 'You must having been staring at that dead lamb's butthole for quite a while to count all the eyes and horns?'

JOHN, 'Wouldn't you?']

Verse Seven.

14 [JOHN, ‘And he came and took the book out of the right hand of him that sat upon the throne.’]

[JUDE, 'So this dead lamb backs up to YHWH and grabs the book with its chocolate starfish?']

Well, according to the physics we've established in our sketch, yes.

[JUDE, 'Cool.']

Verse Eight.

15 [JOHN, ‘And when he had taken the book, the four beasts and four and twenty elders fell down before the Lamb, having every one of them harps, and golden vials full of odours, which are the prayers of saints.’]

[JUDE, 'Golden vials full of odours, which are the prayers of saints?! The prayers of saints are farts in jars aren’t they.’]

16 [CHRISTIAN, 'Oh dear! There's been another mass shooting at a kindergarten. I have to fight down the impulse to admit we need societal changes before it happens to my kids. Because if I did that, then I wouldn't be owning the libs and owning the libs is more important than honesty, morality or the lives of my own children. But I do want to reach out and signal to everyone that I pretend to care. Thoughts and prayers?'

ANNOUNCER, 'Does this ever happen to you?'

CHRISTIAN, 'Yes! It's happening to me right now.'

ANNOUNCER, 'Of course it's happening to you. You're in the ad...'

(BEAT)

ANNOUNCER, 'Just remember what the therapist said. Calm deep breaths. Calm deep breaths.'

(BEAT)

ANNOUNCER, 'Do you want to send something more tangible than thoughts and prayers?'

CHRISTIAN, 'Yes I do. Is tangible a tangerine flavoured NFT?'

ANNOUNCER, 'Well worry no more piss stain. New from Christ Incorporated, Saints Farts in a Jar.'

SFX JAR OPENING RELEASING FART

ANNOUNCER, 'Saints Farts in a Jar. Just as effective as prayer, but you can smell it.'

CHRISTIAN, ‘Thanks Saints Farts in a Jar. I can’t wait for the next hurricane.’

ANNOUNCER, 'Saints Farts in a Jar. Let them smell you care.'

(BEAT)

ANNOUNCER, ‘Saints Farts in a Jar is a trademarked product of Chri$t Incorporated. Chri$t Incorporated is a subsidiary of YHWH International. Stay stupid and keep hating.’

CHOIR OF ANGELS, ‘Stay stupid and keep hating.’]

Verses Nine and Ten.

17 [JOHN, ‘And they sung a new song, saying,’

ELDERS, ‘Thou art worthy to take the book, and to open the seals thereof: for thou wast slain, and hast redeemed us to God by thy blood out of every kindred, and tongue, and people, and nation; And hast made us unto our God kings and priests: and we shall reign on the earth.’]

[JUDE, ‘So let me get this straight. In heaven, Jesus is a slain lamb with seven horns and seven eyes?’]

Yes.

[JUDE, ‘Seven eyes and seven horns around his arsehole?']

Well WE mentioned the butthole. John didn't specify.

[JUDE, ‘I think it’s heavily implied in the text.']

I don’t think it is.

[JUDE, ‘Agree to disagree.’]

Let’s move on, so anyway, there’s 24 elders on their knees singing praise to a dead lamb, who has just made them all ‘god kings’.

18 [ELDERS, ‘We is rich! Biatches!']

You'll be very surprised to learn this ‘god kings’ line is not universally accepted.

[JUDE, 'Shut the front door!']

I know right. It is not in a lot of other modern translations AND where it shows up in some early manuscripts it actually reads as, 

19 [JOHN, ‘And hast made THEM unto our God, kings and priests: and THEY shall reign on the earth.’]

Which I think we can all agree is more in keeping with the totalitarian nature of Christianity. Having said that you will find King James Version fundamentalists arguing this line means the true believers will all get to divie up the remnants of the Earth’s population after Armageddon and rule their own little fiefdoms.

[JUDE, 'Gee I wonder what would happen if a Christian was given control with no fear of reprisals?']

20 [KORESH, 'Welcome to my post tribulation kingdom. Rule number one. There will be absolutely no sex. No one is having any sex at all. I’ll make up the rest of the rules as we go. As far as living conditions go. All males works in the fields all day and live in the barn. Older ladies will cook and clean and sleep in the kitchen. Younger females will all live in the big house with me.'

(BEAT)

KORESH, ‘And that reminds me. Rule number two. Rule number one doesn’t apply to those of us living in the big house.’]

Verse Eleven.

21 [JOHN, ‘And I beheld, and I heard the voice of many angels round about the throne and the beasts and the elders: and the number of them was ten thousand times ten thousand, and thousands of thousands;’]

[JUDE, 'I'm not saying John of Patmos sounds like a small child making up a story, but...']

22 [MUM, 'How many angels were there little Johnny?'

LIL JOHNNY, 'Ten thousand.'

(BEAT)

LIL JOHNNY, 'Times ten thousand.'

(BEAT)

LIL JOHHNY, 'And thousands.'

 (BEAT)

LIL JOHNNY, 'Of thousands.’]

Verse Twelve.

23 [JOHN, ‘Saying with a loud voice,’ 

ANGELS, ‘Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honour, and glory, and blessing.’]

[JUDE, ‘It sounds like being an angel is just simping for YHWH.’]

[SATAN, ‘In its defence. It’s also boring.’]

Verse Thirteen.

24 [JOHN, ‘And every creature which is in heaven, and on the earth, and under the earth, and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, heard I saying, Blessing, and honour, and glory, and power, be unto him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb for ever and ever.’]

[JUDE, ‘Do you think when John said,’]

REPLAY: [JOHN, ‘ …and all that are in them..’]

[JUDE, ‘He knew about bacteria? Did John of Patmos, discover germ theory?’]

[CHOIR OF ANGELS, ‘Probably not.’]

[JUDE, ‘And follow up question. Can germs go to heaven?’]

Yes. And that’s why you can't get in if you're vaccinated. 

[TTS, ‘Lexi is joking. Get vaccinated, you fucking morons! Yes. This is Tee Tease. This is my voice now. We had to… it’s a whole thing. Just get used to it.’]

Verse Fourteen.

25 [JOHN, ‘And the four beasts said, Amen. And the four and twenty elders fell down and worshipped him that liveth for ever and ever.’]

[JUDE, ‘I feel like the elders have fallen multiple times already. That’s not advisable at their age.']

26 [ELDER, 'Me knees! Me precious knees!']

[JUDE, 'I don’t know why they bother getting up.’]

27 [ELDER, 'Come on lord, you're the omnipotent creator god of the entire universe and you require we drop to our knees every time you speak or are spoken about. What's missing from your life?'

JESUS, 'I've never experienced the touch of someone who truly loved me for just being me.'

ELDER, 'I don’t believe you lord. I WOULD believe that about John of Patmos, who lives in a cave with no running water. Are we seeing behind the curtain of prose and poetry here to stare directly into the naked ambition and fantasy of the author?'

JOHN, 'No! Ahem, I mean...'

JESUS, 'No.']

28 [LEXI, 'We here at Satan is my Superhero, don't expect you to fall to your knees or anything.'

ELDER, 'I'm getting too old for this.'

LEXI, 'But a five star rating sure would be nice. And if you're going to write a review, something like,’

(BEAT)

LEXI, ‘And every creature which is in heaven, and on the earth, and under the earth, and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, heard I saying, Blessing, and honour, and glory, and power, be unto him that subscribe to Satan is my Superhero, and unto Lexi, your favourite cast member for ever and ever.'

(BEAT)

LEXI, 'It's just a suggestion.']

[JUDE, ‘What can we take away from this episode? John of Patmos, who has already pretended to be Jesus for two chapters, clearly fantasizes, were he to find himself in a position of power, he would surround himself with sycophants who drop to the floor and worship him constantly.']

29 [MUSK, 'That’s why I bought Twitter!']

[JUDE, 'Just remember every time a Christian talks about going to Heaven, they are wishing for an eternity on their knees pleasuring YHWH. And that’s why Satan is my Superhero.']

[RECORD SCRATCH OUTRO IMMEDIATLEY AFTER LAUNCH]

Since this is a short chapter, we thought we’d give you a preview of what’s coming up on the Patreon. Diary of John of Patmos. Episode Zero

[INSERT Diary of John of Patmos 00]

[TTS, ‘John of Patmos sits alone in his cave, covered in his own filth, furiously scribbling in his diary.’]

[JOHN, ‘Dear diary. I’m stuck on the island of Patmos. As desperate as my situation is, I have managed to send out important communications.’]

014 [JOHN, ‘Dear mum, conditions here are intolerable. They close the breakfast buffet at 10.30 but I like sleep in!’]

[JOHN, ‘Replies have been hurtful…’]

007 [CONGREGANT, ‘Hi John, just received your letter. Quick question, are you okay?’]

[JOHN, ‘…unpleasant…’]

027 [RANDO, ‘Reading it gave me acid flashblacks!’]

[JOHN, ‘…and sub optimal.’]

026 [CHRI$TIAN, ‘Hey John, one small problem with your letter telling us to not get swept up in Greco-Roman culture. You wrote it in Greek. Dickhead!’]

[JOHN, ‘Can’t they see the end is nigh?’]

008 [PANICKER, ‘We’re all gonna die! We’re all gonna die! I should’ve bought that tactical bath!’]

[JOHN, ‘It’s just like that time when I was child and I saw a dragon.’]

002 [CHILD, ‘Holy firetrucking shiatzu balls mum! It’s a dragon!’]

[JOHN, ‘No one believed me then either. And sure, no dragon ever eventuated. But if it had!’]

005 [SFX APPLAUDING CROWD

WRITER, ‘Thank you. Thank you, I couldn't have done it without the mushrooms.’]

[JOHN, ‘They don’t know what diabolical scheme YHWH’s cooking up for them, right now.’]

009 [MICHAEL, ‘Okay the boss wants a work up on Human Genocide 2.0. What have we got?’

ANGEL, ‘An army of locusts with human faces, lion’s teeth and scorpion tails coming out of the pit of Hell!’

SERAPHIM, ‘Followed by two hundred thousand horsemen wearing flaming breastplates. Riding horses with lions heads, sans the teeth, I shouldn’t have to explain why, breathing fire! And their tails are serpents with multiple heads.’

MICHAEL, ‘Riiight, do you know what the boss loved the most about the great flood?’

ANGEL, ‘The cruelty.’

SERAPHIM, ‘The UNNECESSARY cruelty.’

MICHAEL, ‘No. The simplicity. He loved the simplicity. It was simple.’

ANGEL AND SERAPHIM, ‘Ahhh.’

ANGEL, ‘Of course the simplicity!’

SERAPHIM, ‘Yeah simplicity, that was gonna be my next guess.’

 MICHAEL, ‘The cruelty was just a bonus.’]

[JOHN, ‘I’m just trying to warn everyone.’]

010 [NIGHTRIDER, ‘I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!’]

[JOHN, ‘They’re coming for us next!’]

025 [CROWD, ‘Crucify the Jew! Crucify the Jew! Crucify the Jew!’

CHRI$TIAN, ‘There’s been some kind of mix up. I’m a Chri$tian!’

CENTURION, ‘Oh? Oh sorry about that mate, my mistake.’

CHRI$TIAN, ‘Oh that’s perfectly understandable. It happens all the time actually.’

CENTRURION, ‘Crucify the Chri$tian!’

CROWD, ‘Crucify the Chri$tian! Crucify the Chri$tian! Crucify the Chri$tian!’]

[JOHN, ‘You can’t really blame them for wanting to crucify us.’]

024 [VALLEY GIRL, ‘We get persecuted because people are jealous of how awesome we are. And it’s our humility. I'm like the most humble person I know. Praise Jesus, amen. Everyone else can burn in hell.’]

[JOHN, ‘Today, Dear Diary, I learned, whenever I am questioned or hear criticism…’]

022 [CHILD, ‘You saw a dude walk on water and you're only just telling us about it now Grandpa?’]

[JOHN, ‘…I shall ignore it and turn the other cheek.’]

028 [SFX SLAP

CHRI$TIAN, ‘Ow! What’s wrong with you?’

ATHEIST, ‘It’s a test.’

CHRI$TIAN, ‘Did I pass?’

SFX SLAP

CHRI$TIAN, ‘Ow!’

ATHEIST, ‘You did now.’]