Satan Is My Superhero
THE sketch comedy show for sinners.
Satan Is My Superhero
Hallucinating Heaven: Unpacking Revelation's Bizarre Vision
Have you ever wondered what happens when ancient religious texts and hallucinogenic experiences collide? Our latest deep dive into the Book of Revelation might just convince you that John of Patmos was experiencing something far more chemical than divine.
Taking you straight through heaven's door in Chapter 4, we explore John's fantastical descriptions of beings that shine like precious stones, a floor made of glass "like unto crystal," and creatures covered in eyes with faces of lions, calves, men, and eagles. We compare these vivid visions to documented medical cases of hallucinations, including a fascinating 2022 paper describing patients who see "colourful crystal sheens" during altered states of consciousness. The parallels are undeniable and hilarious.
The biblical connections run deep as we trace John's inspiration to earlier prophets like Ezekiel and Isaiah, showing how he borrowed elements from their visions while adding his own psychedelic twist. We dissect the significance of jasper and sardine stones, analyze the mysterious sea of glass (with at least six competing interpretations), and question whether eternal existence spent repeating "Holy, holy, holy" truly represents paradise.
Our irreverent analysis adds yet another theory to what Revelation might actually be – beyond prophecy, coded rebellion literature, xenophobic propaganda, or incel manifesto, we now must consider "hallucination dream journal" as a strong possibility. Whether you're a skeptic, a believer, or somewhere in between, our comedic breakdown offers fresh insights into this ancient text that continues to fascinate and perplex readers across millennia. Listen now, and remember – as we always say at the end – that's why Satan is my superhero.
Welcome to Satan Is my Superhero. So cool, so cool. In this episode, we continue breaking down the book of Revelation.
Speaker 3:Previously on Satan Is my Superhero. We've already learned that author John of Patmos claims to have been visited by the Holy Ghost and has taken dictation from Jesus himself.
Speaker 4:Now, John, I want you to write down everything I say.
Speaker 2:Now, John, I want you to write down everything. I say no, don't write that part. No, don't write that part.
Speaker 3:We've also had a glimpse into John's interpersonal relationships with fellow second century Christians.
Speaker 2:I really like what you've done with your hair, Jezebel. Oh really yes, it detracts from what a slut you are.
Speaker 5:John of Patmos. Report to HR immediately.
Speaker 2:But I didn't say slut was a bad thing, but I didn't say slut was a bad thing.
Speaker 3:In chapter four, our intrepid explorer of the imagination, John of Patmos, takes us all the way to heaven. Don't forget to visit the gift shop. So now let's get straight into verse one. John has just taken the Christ's dictation.
Speaker 2:After this, I looked and behold, a door was opened in heaven, and the first voice which I heard was, as it were, of a trumpet talking with me, which said Come up hither and I will shew thee things which must be hereafter. I'm sorry but I like my gods to have a voice of thunder. Yahweh, that's your voice, a trumpet you could have chosen all the sounds in the universe.
Speaker 2:and you landed on a trumpet, Verse 2. And immediately I was in the spirit. And behold, a throne was set in heaven and one sat on the throne, Do you?
Speaker 1:think, when John says In the spirit, he means yes, but let's keep reading and find out.
Speaker 3:Verse 3.
Speaker 2:And he that sat was to look upon like a jasper and a sardine stone, and there was a rainbow round about the throne in sight, like unto an emerald Jasper and sardine stone, a rainbow, who was John's in-the-spirit dealer.
Speaker 6:I'll have what he's having.
Speaker 3:am I right? Okay, let's break this down.
Speaker 2:So first, and he that sat was to look upon like a jasper and a sardine stone.
Speaker 1:John saw a sardine sitting on a throne.
Speaker 3:That was a dolphin.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I couldn't find a sardine sound effect Like they don't even. I don't even think they make them.
Speaker 3:And you thought the vocalisations of a mammal not sharing a common ancestor with sardines for at least 400 million years was an adequate replacement?
Speaker 1:Well, I did.
Speaker 3:Anywho, there wasn't a sardine or a dolphin sitting on the throne.
Speaker 4:Boo Dolphin hater.
Speaker 3:Jasper is a type of quartz. While it's not specified here, jasper comes in all colours, but most commonly green.
Speaker 5:Which one? The olive one looks nice, yeah, but what if the Lord's rocking one of the green jaspers? Does it really matter? Are you kidding me?
Speaker 3:I don't want to wear the wrong skirt and clash with Yahweh Sardine stone is a red semi-precious mineral known these days as carnelian.
Speaker 1:Did they call it sardine? Because back in John's day it was packed tightly into cans? Because back in John's day it was packed tightly into cans.
Speaker 2:No, it was a major export of the city, sardis, so no sardines were used in the making of this Bible passage.
Speaker 3:That was a dolphin.
Speaker 1:So, as mentioned so long ago, while in the spirit, john saw a being that he described as looking like precious stones, I'm not saying I have any experience with hallucinogens and I'm not saying that I've known lots of people with experience of hallucinogens. But if I did, I would say this vision of beings that shine like precious stones is very common. I call them gem people, or I would, if I had ever seen them.
Speaker 3:Yes, this particular hallucination is so common. I googled common hallucinations.
Speaker 7:That would explain why my feed is now filled with Russian bots trying to sell me mushrooms.
Speaker 1:Don't fall for it, TTs. They're a rip-off. So I've heard Nothing to see here.
Speaker 3:Look away, look away. The first academic paper I came across was published on the National Library of Medicine's website in 2022. Two thousand and twenty-two Twenty-twenty-two Fuck. The very first case that paper details is a 57-year-old man with a history of type 2 diabetes mellitus presented with sudden-onset onset, fully formed visual hallucinations. The paper then goes on to describe the man's experience. He described the appearance of multiple normal-sized and proportioned people standing or sitting in the highway median in the left visual field. These people were colourful in nature but without otherwise distinct characteristics, and his distorted visual perceptions had evolved and now incorporated other abnormal visual phenomena of a colourful crystal sheen on the walls. So so, yeah. So in response to your earlier question, yes, I think we know exactly what John means when he says he was.
Speaker 1:In the spirit. John has type 2 diabetes mellitus.
Speaker 3:I mean maybe.
Speaker 1:And now for a sketch directed by our very own TTs.
Speaker 7:Internal Hospital Day Cue ambient, hospital sounds. Scene opens on the back of a nurse as she enters a critical care unit. We follow her to a bed occupied by a patient who has just experienced a near-death experience NDE. For those of us in the know, the patient speaks I went to heaven and met Jesus.
Speaker 5:Did you? Next time you see the Christ, could you ask him about your insulin levels? Because while your spirit was in paradise, your body was jerking around on the floor, swallowing your tongue and shitting itself.
Speaker 7:Fade out ambient hospital sounds. End scene. How did I do?
Speaker 1:I have notes.
Speaker 3:Okay, now back to Revelation. Also of note here is the choice of jasper and sardine stones. These two stones show up in the Old Testament. They are the first and the last of the twelve stones to be worn on the high priest's breastplate, as per the ridiculous instructions on how Yahweh is to be worshipped in the book of Exodus.
Speaker 5:Excuse me, moses, will Yahweh really turn us all to ash if the first layer of curtains in the tabernacle isn't exactly 10 curtains each 8 and 20 cubits long by 4 cubits wide, of fine twined, blue, purple and scarlet linen inlaid with cherubims? Or is it just that your brother-in-law had exactly 10 curtains, each eight and twenty cubits by four cubits wide, of fine twined, blue, purple and scarlet linen inlaid with cherubims in stock at his shop?
Speaker 2:Did you hear that trumpet? No, I think Yahweh is calling me Coming Lord.
Speaker 1:No, I think Yahweh is calling me.
Speaker 3:Coming Lord.
Speaker 2:And finally, pulling apart, verse 3 gives us and there was a rainbow round about the throne in sight, like unto an emerald.
Speaker 3:The rainbow could be taken to represent the rainbow placed in the sky after the flood to remind Yahweh. He promised not to wipe out humanity with a flood again.
Speaker 1:That was Yahweh's post-it note.
Speaker 6:No, Yahweh. The rainbow means don't wipe out all the humans, Don't kill everyone. Remember, I know, but you promised.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but you'll be breaking a promise to yourself and you don't want to be that dude, do you? Most apologists I read agree that the rainbow is multi-colored, as one would expect a rainbow to be, but green is the dominant color see, this is exactly what I was talking about.
Speaker 5:The olive one looks nice. You said, Does it really matter? You said yes, it fucking mattered. Now I look like an idiot in front of Yahweh. Fuck you.
Speaker 2:Verse 4. And round about the throne were four and twenty seats, and upon the seats I saw four and twenty elders sitting clothed in white raiment, and they had on their heads crowns of gold.
Speaker 3:You might be surprised to learn. There are many theories about who these 24 elders are.
Speaker 1:Many disagree.
Speaker 3:These 24 elders might be the ones handpicked by King David back in the day.
Speaker 4:Eeny meeny, miny moe.
Speaker 3:In First Chronicles we are fed a story of David drawing lots to decide the order in which 24 priests from two prominent families would serve at the temple.
Speaker 4:Okay, first lie is Jehorib. Sorry, bruh, looks like you're cleaning the toilets on Thursdays.
Speaker 6:Oh man, I hate it when we draw lots.
Speaker 4:Hey totes, for real, my guy Hate the game, not the player. Fuck you, David.
Speaker 3:Verse 5.
Speaker 2:And out of the throne preceded lightnings and thunderings and voices, and there were seven lamps of fire burning before the throne, which are the seven spirits of God.
Speaker 1:All right lightnings and thunderings and voices. This is the Yahweh I know and love Go away trumpet.
Speaker 6:No one wants you here.
Speaker 3:Now these Seven lamps of fire burning before the throne are reminiscent of the seven candlesticks from chapters one and two in this very book, but it's more likely John is referencing Exodus once again, where Moses was given very explicit instructions from Yahweh on how Yahweh ought best be worshipped. He mentioned seven very specific and elaborate lamps.
Speaker 5:Excuse me, Moses, Don't you think it's weird that Yahweh specifically asks for pure gold lamps beaten into the shape of an almond tree with trunk, branches, flowers and buds, and your cousin just happens to exclusively make pure gold lamps beaten into the shape of an almond tree with trunk, branches, flowers and buds?
Speaker 2:Did you hear that trumpet? No, I think Yahweh is calling me Coming Lord.
Speaker 3:Verse 6.
Speaker 2:And before the throne there was a sea of glass like unto crystal, and in the midst of the throne and round about the throne were four beasts full of eyes, before and behind.
Speaker 4:Ew, I can see my own butthole. I can see my own butthole.
Speaker 2:We'll get to the eyes, but first and before the throne there was a sea of glass like unto crystal.
Speaker 3:Later on in this madness, sea of glass will be mentioned again. Those who do not follow the Antichrist in the end times will get to stand on the sea of glass.
Speaker 5:So this is the reward for denying temptation. Standing on glass, I feel a bit ripped off.
Speaker 3:I think the sea of glass is pretty simply heaven's floor.
Speaker 1:Is Bob Dylan knocking on it?
Speaker 3:What? No? Anyway, my heaven's floor theory is just one of the many, many explanations for what the sea of glass might be.
Speaker 1:I'm very surprised You've found division among Christians.
Speaker 3:Here are just the first six expert explanations I've found.
Speaker 2:It's time for a list. Oh yeah, it's that list. Time Screwed you up, yeah.
Speaker 3:One. This sea represents a sea of people, the whole human race.
Speaker 1:Gross.
Speaker 3:Two, the blood of Christ.
Speaker 1:Why would it be that?
Speaker 3:Three, the wading pool in the OG tabernacle.
Speaker 1:Wouldn't it be the other way around? The wading pool in the OG tabernacle would be the representation of the sea, of you know what, you know what. Forget about it. I'm getting drawn into this madness. Carry on with your list.
Speaker 3:Four, a medium for all entering heaven to be baptised. That's kind of the waiting pool again. But whatever Five, the earth's atmosphere, signifying heaven, sits directly on top of our world, which is pretty much my heaven's floor theory.
Speaker 1:Where we can upskirt the angels.
Speaker 3:And six. It's a metaphor. Just like the sea under Yahweh exist many mysterious things.
Speaker 1:Like dolphins and their very, very close cousins sardines.
Speaker 3:The list goes on and on.
Speaker 7:Trust me, the list gets dumber. I had to limit her to six.
Speaker 3:There is one more.
Speaker 7:I failed.
Speaker 3:My favourite was that it is the looking glass through which Yahweh looks down on the world.
Speaker 4:And that's why I always masturbate under the blanket.
Speaker 1:Perhaps John just imagined a really well polished floor, and not that I know from experience. But a polished floor can have a powerful effect on you when you're tripping balls flaw can have a powerful effect on you when you're tripping balls.
Speaker 4:Oh wow, I can see myself in the floor. It's like I'm looking straight into my own soul. I can see everything, like that time I kissed michael buckingham's ex on the swings. I don't think she was even that into it. I'm such a shit person all right.
Speaker 3:In verse seven we get to hear more about these four beasts.
Speaker 2:And the first beast was like a lion, and the second beast like a calf, and the third beast had a face as a man and the fourth beast was like a flying eagle.
Speaker 1:All right, this is what I'm here for.
Speaker 3:These four beasts sound a lot like the ones found in Ezekiel, except Ezekiel's were more human-like in their main body. Ezekiel calls them living creatures. They have four wings and calf feet that shine like burnished bronze. Can I just say, darling, I love the wings. The wings are hot, the wings are sexy. The wings are sexy. The wings are now the little calf feet. What are you going for there? According to Ezekiel, each of these winged living creatures, according to Ezekiel, each of these winged living creatures had four faces.
Speaker 2:As for the likeness of their faces, they four had the face of a man and the face of a lion on the right side, and they four had the face of an ox on the left side. They four also had the face of an ox on the left side.
Speaker 3:They four also had the face of an eagle. So John has taken Ezekiel's lion, ox man and eagle faces and spread them over four different beasts.
Speaker 1:I feel like that would make relationships easier.
Speaker 3:Don't you turn your cow face on me?
Speaker 2:Uh moo.
Speaker 3:Ezekiel also talks about each of his four living creatures being accompanied by a wheel-shaped creature covered in eyes.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry what.
Speaker 3:Yes, a wheel filled with multiple wheels. The rims of each of these multiple wheels is covered in eyeballs.
Speaker 1:These are the moments when you think Maybe this book isn't made up, because who would make this up?
Speaker 4:Probably someone who's in the spirit.
Speaker 3:These eye-covered wheels move with the four living creatures. And Ezekiel says move with the four living creatures.
Speaker 2:And Ezekiel says the spirit of the living creature was in the wheels.
Speaker 1:I've known dudes like that oh love car.
Speaker 3:John simplified Ezekiel's creature design by losing the wheel and incorporating the eyes into the four beasts themselves. Ew, I can see my own butthole. I can see my own butthole. Side note, there are also four beasts mentioned in Daniel and Daniel is certainly an influence on John but those four beasts- are just not quite the same.
Speaker 6:Suck it, daniel, your beasts suck. I said suck twice. I just feel like that could have been composed better Is this a fast draft.
Speaker 2:Verse eight and the four beasts had, each of them, six wings about them and they were full of eyes within, and they rest not day and night saying Holy, holy, holy Lord, God Almighty, which was and is and is to come.
Speaker 3:So Ezekiel's living creatures only had four wings, but in another book from the Old Testament, the seraphim described by Isaiah have six wings and buzz around the head of Yahweh, screeching.
Speaker 6:Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts.
Speaker 3:The whole world is filled with glory, which is pretty much exactly what John of Patmos just said.
Speaker 1:An eternity of six winged monsters buzzing around your head, chanting the same thing over and over. Of course, that's how Yahweh spends eternity.
Speaker 6:Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts. The whole world is full of his glory. Do you think we can?
Speaker 5:stop now. Would you like to be turned into a pile of ash Holy holy, holy is the Lord of hosts.
Speaker 6:The whole earth is full of his glory.
Speaker 3:I feel confident making the case. John's four beasts are a combination of Ezekiel's living creatures and Isaiah's seraphim. But just to be aware, as always, Many disagree.
Speaker 4:It's definitely not the obvious and simple thing. It's actually very obscure and I couldn't possibly explain it to you. It's definitely not the obvious and simple thing.
Speaker 5:It's actually very obscure and I couldn't possibly explain it to you. It's too complicated.
Speaker 3:Is it though? Yeah, verse 9.
Speaker 2:And when those beasts give glory and honour and thanks to him that sat on the throne, who liveth forever and ever.
Speaker 6:Heaven sounds fun. Thank you, yahweh, for creating us to exist forever in this place Praising you over and over every moment of every day, forever and ever. We totally don't wish for the sweet relief of oblivion, every single moment of every single day.
Speaker 3:Verses 10 and 11.
Speaker 2:The four and twenty elders fall down before him that sat on the throne, and worship him that liveth forever and ever, and cast their crowns before the throne, saying thou art worthy, oh lord, to receive glory and honor and power, for thou hast created all things I know you mentioned it earlier, but there was way too much other stuff going on.
Speaker 1:What are priests doing wearing crowns?
Speaker 3:The priestly class wear crowns in the Bible. When else can they larp it up, if not in their own book? If I wrote a book about my made up bullshit, I would have a crown too.
Speaker 6:Holy, holy holy Lord Alexei, which was, and is and is to come.
Speaker 3:You don't have to worship us forever. A simple five star rating will do. I mean, maybe a bit of worshipping would be nice, but we'll just take the rating for now Five stars. Did I mention that? Five stars?
Speaker 1:What can we take away from Chapter 4 of the Book of Revelation? From the start, we've been tracking three main theories as to what this madness is.
Speaker 3:Prophecy, coded rebellion literature or xenophobic propaganda.
Speaker 1:In our last chapter we uncovered evidence to suggest it might also be an incel manifesto.
Speaker 6:It's called X now.
Speaker 1:I think we have to add yet another option to the list. Hallucination Dream Journal.
Speaker 5:But it wasn't a dream. It was a place and you and you, and you and you were there.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and the people who believe this nonsense are in charge of nuclear weapons? Surely this is the dream.
Speaker 1:Let's close our eyes, click our heels together three times and repeat after Dorothy.
Speaker 5:There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home.
Speaker 1:Nope, still here, and that's why Satan is my superhero. Thank you so much for listening Rate review. Subscribe all that podcast stuff, but most of all, please give us money.
Speaker 2:Go to patreoncom Forward slash Satan is my superhero.
Speaker 1:If you join our Patreon at the third circle of hell, you'll receive access to exclusive Content like this so we're doing Part four of the book of revelations With the bible, the book of Revelations.
Speaker 6:Sure, sure, sure. The book of revelations was a bible. The book of revelations, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Oh my god, just say the crystal gems from Steven Universe. There's no need for all of these fancy words.
Speaker 5:I can't make this without me I can't. There are only two genders beer and livery.
Speaker 6:It's the first openly gay president.
Speaker 5:I'm all credits.
Speaker 2:I'm a check please.
Speaker 6:Oh God, let's cut all that, cut, cut, cut the last 10 minutes from your memory, maybe the real superhero or the satan we made along the way.