Satan Is My Superhero
THE sketch comedy show for sinners.
Satan Is My Superhero
Constantine the Great Big Liar
He wasn’t Keanu Reeves, and he definitely wasn’t a Christian hero. In this episode, we rip the golden halo off Constantine the Great and dig into the actual history behind the man who allegedly saw a cross in the sky and converted an empire. Spoiler: he was more into Apollo than Jesus.
Was Constantine a devout believer or just a savvy warlord with excellent PR? We’re dragging in all the big names—Diocletian, Eusebius, Helena, Galerius, Julius Caesar, Sol Invictus—and tossing their reputations on the pyre of historical comedy.
Featuring entrails, imperial propaganda, and a brief stopover in ancient Canada (don’t ask, just listen).
Perfect for fans of religious satire, Roman drama, and anyone who’s ever side-eyed Christian revisionism.
Sketch comedy. Blasphemous history. Reluctant education.
Because saints don’t order the murder of their wives and sons. But emperors do.
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Constantine the Great Big Liar - Episode 96
In this episode examine the story of Constantine the Great before conquering the Roman Empire with the help of a little known creator god of the whole entire universe, Jesus Mother Firetrucking Christ.
[SATAN, ‘So not the Keanu Reeves, Constantine then?’
(BEAT)
SATAN, ‘Pity.’]
First thing we have to understand is almost everything you’ve ever heard about Constantine was written down by a Christian. So yeah.
[ERIC SON OF A DUSTMAN, ‘Is that the truth or did you hear it from a Christian?’]
Little tiny baby Constantine was born in the Balkans in 272 of the Common Era. During young Constantine’s childhood the Roman Empire was pulling itself out of the tumult and near constant civil war known now as the crisis of the third century.
01 [ROMAN, ‘What do you mean this system entirely geared to favour strong military leaders keeps getting up ended by strong military leaders?’]
The current emperor Diocletian thought the best way to avoid tumult and constant civil war was to break the empire in half and then break those halves in half again. This system, named the Tetrarchy by historians, saw the empire ruled by 4 men.
[SATAN, ‘Oh this will totally work! Rich people love sharing. It’s what they’re most famous for.’]
One of the men chosen for this task was Constantine’s father, Constantius.
02 [CONSTANTIUS, ‘Daddy got a big promotion!’]
So while Constantine was in his early 20s he went to live in the court of Diocletian where he received the best possible education from the greatest scholars in the empire.
03 [TEACHER, ‘Okay children, today we are going to learn all about the very latest in advanced weather forecasting technology. The divination of chicken innards.’
CHICKEN, ‘Squawk!’]
Constantine was also learning from Diocletian himself. The first emperor, Octavian aka Augustus had been weary of making the same mistakes his adopted father and one time dictator of Rome, Julius Caesar had made.
04 [CAESAR, ‘Ow me back! Ow me front! Ow me side! Ow me everywhere! These knives really hurt guys!’]
Octavian went out of his way to portray himself, not as a tyrant king ruling over the people but instead as a ‘first among equals’. On paper, he jointly ruled the Roman world alongside the aristocracy of Rome. This is known as the Principate. Of course this was a total fiction, but it worked.
05 [AUGUSTUS, ‘So what do you aristocrats think?’
SENATE, ‘Um what do YOU think Augustus?’
AUGUSTUS, ‘I think this little arrangement will work just fine.’]
Most emperors who followed had done the same as Octavian. Diocletian moved away from this model by distancing himself from and demonstrably elevating himself above the traditional ruling class. Historians call this period of Roman rule, the Dominate.
06 [SENATOR, ‘I demand to speak to the emperor!’
SOLDIER, ‘Oh right? And who are you?’
SENATOR, ‘I sit in the senate house. I’m a patrician. My family can trace its roots to the founding of the eternal city!’
SOLDIER, ‘Do you command the loyalty of any legions?’
SENATOR, ‘well, I mean, not directly.’
SOLDIER, ‘Then firetruck off!’
SENATOR, ‘Well really? You don’t have to be so rude!
(BEAT)
SENATOR, ‘I’m going! I’m going!’]
Whereas emperors in the past may have been deified after death, Diocletian wanted to sell himself as chosen by the gods to rule. He tried to rest some of his legitimacy as emperor on divine mandate. Constantine was paying attention.
07 [DIOCLETIAN, ‘I am not merely emperor because I command the loyalty of the legions but also because Jupiter has deemed it so.’
GAIUS, ‘Oh yeah? Well I see your Jupiter with a Saturn and raise you a Mars!’
DIOCLETIAN, ‘Gods damn this polytheism. If only there were a more efficient system of exerting control over stupid people?’]
Of course Constantine was not in the court of Diocletian purely for the educational benefit of Constantine. He was, just quietly a political hostage. A bargaining chip to keep his dad Constantius loyal to Diocletian and the rest of the Tetrarchy.
08 [CHILD, ‘You would never hand us over as hostages so you could be king, would you Dad?’
JUDE, ‘No. Why, has someone made an offer?’]
Constantine could have lived it up in the capital on the Emperor’s denarii, but that was not in his Balkan blood. The young man was soon leading Diocletian’s troops into battle against various barbarian tribes and the Persians.
09 [SOUPY, ‘No rugs for you!’]
Throughout the crisis of the third century fascist populist leaders had risen and taken the throne at different times. A great way of drumming up support from dumb people is to persecute some unpopular minority.
10 [TRUMP, ‘Make America great again!’]
So the Christians, who let’s face it, don’t play well with others had been the target of much persecution.
11 [LION ROAR
TERRIFIED CHRISTIAN, ‘Nice kitty, nice kitty.’]
There had been a lull in Christian persecution for a few years until one day palace priests were carrying out ritual sacrifices on behalf of Diocletian and his number two emperor, Galerius. But the rituals weren’t getting the desired results. Eventually after numerous attempts it was noticed the Christian staff in the palace had not been appropriately respectful of the process.
12 [GALERIUS, ‘It's been brought to my attention you were muttering prayers to your made up god while our priests were doing sacrifices?’
CHRISTIAN, ‘Oh, was I? Demon says what.’
GALERIUS, ‘What?’
CHRISTIAN, ‘I didn't say anything.’]
The pagan priests said the rituals would not work while there were unbelievers around and the emperors pretty quickly set about purging their bureaucracy and army of anyone who would not perform pagan sacrifices, which almost exclusively meant Christians at this time.
13 [CHRISTIAN, ‘I'm not going to perform your sacrifices they are silly. Now excuse me while I eat a wafer and drink some wine which I believe turns into the actual flesh and the actual blood of a Jewish zombie from hundreds of years ago.’]
It is claimed Diocletian felt this was enough. Fellow tetrarch emperor Galerius on the other hand wanted to go further, so the two emperors consulted the oracle of Apollo.
14 [GALERIUS, ‘Oh great oracle, do you think Apollo wants these worshippers of a rival god taken down a peg or two? All their property confiscated by the state and their persons sold into slavery? The profits of which going to me and you Oracle?’
ORACLE, ‘Um, yeah, I do think Apollo wants you and me to have more money.’]
At the time, Christian writer Arnobius wrote,
15 [ARNOBIUS, ‘The augurs, the dream interpreters, the soothsayers, the prophets, and the priestlings, ever vain, fearing that their own arts be brought to nought, and that they may extort but scanty contributions from the devotees, now few and infrequent, cry aloud, 'The gods are neglected, and in the temples there is now a very thin attendance.’]
Doesn’t that sound exactly like Christianity right now? Does history just keep rhyming with itself, line after line after?
[ERIC SON OF A DUSTMAN, ‘Nothing new ever happens.’]
The main sticking point for your average Roman when it came to Christians, was their lack of respect for anyone else’s beliefs.
16 [PAGAN, ‘Our gods are just as real as yours.’
CHRISTIAN, ‘No. Jesus is the only true god.’
PAGAN, ‘Really? Didn’t he end up nailed to a cross, according to your made up story?’
CHRISTIAN, ‘Yeah, but he came back.’
PAGAN, ‘Did he? Where is he now?’
CHRISTIAN, ‘You don’t know him. He lives in Canada and goes to a different school.’]
So over the next few years a series of edicts were made, making life for Christians within the empire much harder. Later in his life Constantine would claim he was vocal around the court about his opposition to this attack on Christianity.
17 [CONSTANTINE, ‘It wasn’t me gov! I never done a fing!’]
It’s possible Constantine’s mum, Helena was a Christian. Our main source for anything about Helena is Christian writer Eusebius.
[HATER, ‘Boo.’]
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Eusebius is just a straight up liar.
18 [EUSEBIUS, ‘It's not lying when it's tricking people into believing in the power of Jesus.’
SKEP, ‘Yes it is.’
EUSEBIUS UNDER BREATH AND SNARKY, ‘Says you. Just wait till Jesus gets here. Then you’ll see.’]
So it’s entirely possible Constantine’s dad, the tetrarch emperor Constantius was sympathetic to Christianity.
19 [GALERIUS, ‘Did you deprive any Christians of the normal legal protections awarded Roman citizens today Constantius?’
CONSTANTIUS, ‘Oh yeah, totally. Like I was so mean to them. You should have seen me. I was like, really mean.’]
So back in the Tetrarchy, Diocletian was getting old and not feeling well so he did something no emperor had done before and retired. He retired to grow cabbages. Seriously.
20 [DIOCLETIAN, ‘When was the last time you heard of a cabbage farmer's wife and daughter being assassinated by political rivals?’
CHOIR OF DEMONS, ‘Foreshadowing.’]
Suffice it to say, retirement was not on anyone's Bingo card for that year. In the following re-organisation of power, the junior tetrarch emperors Galerius and Constantius became senior tetrarch emperors.
21 [GALERIUS, ‘We're both number one. I'm just a little bit more number one than you.’
CONSTANTIUS, ‘This isn't going to work.’
DIOCLETIAN, ‘It's works for the bloody cabbages!’]
It had been expected Constantine would take his dad's spot as a junior tetrarch emperor. But the junior positions went to friends and family members of Galerius.
22 [SNARKY, ‘That’s not suss at all!’]
The future of this stupid Tetrarchy idea was obvious to anyone except Diocletian.
23 [DIOCLETIAN, ‘Why can't people be more like cabbages?’]
Constantine was in the court of his dad’s fellow/rival tetrarch emperor Galerius when all of this skulduggery went down. According to Constantine’s biographers, the young man could see it was only a matter of time before Galerius would have the bright idea of murdering him.
24 [GALERIUS, ‘Constantine, try this special meal I made for you.’]
So Constantine got Galerius drunk and tricked him into letting Constantine leave. According to the legend, Constantine rode to the west as fast as he could, hamstringing every horse at each post house as he went, so no one could follow.
25 [GALERIUS, ‘Constantine! Come back! I wasn’t going to murder you. I promise.’]
Constantine went to his father and they crossed the channel to Britannia, where they spent a year campaigning with their legions in modern day Scotland.
26 [CONSTANTINE, ‘I’m not hiding out in the far north. I’m here on important military business.’]
But then Constantius suddenly died and the 38 year old Constantine immediately declared himself heir to his dad’s throne with the support of 'most' of the western legions and their local allies.
27 [AIDE, ‘Constantine some of the legions and their local allies don't support you.
CONSTANTINE, ‘Are you talking about those traitors to Rome we're going to march on and destroy?’
AIDE, ‘No I mean, the legions and local allies who just think, protocol demands the tetrarchy appoint the next emperor.’
CONSTANTINE, ‘You may not have understood me. I'll ask again. Are you talking about those traitors to Rome, we're going to march on and destroy?’
AIDE, ‘Oh I see. Yes, I meant them.’]
Galerius probably pooped his pants a little bit, raged a little bit and finally was talked into accepting the situation by his advisors.
28 [GALERIUS, ‘I should have murdered him when I had the chance!’
AIDE, ‘Coulda, woulda, shoulda.’
(BEAT)
AIDE, ‘I’ll show myself out.’]
Meanwhile according to official propaganda written at the time, Constantine dealt with opposition to his ascension by feeding two Frankish kings and their soldiers to the wild beasts in the amphitheatre.
REPLAY: [LION ROAR
TERRIFIED CHRISTIAN, ‘Nice kitty, nice kitty.’]
Constantine spent the next few years in Gaul looking after his quarter of the empire, crushing barbarian tribes on the frontier and playing the other Tetrarch emperors off against each other as they fell in and out of civil war.
29 [DIOCLETIAN, ‘This is why I prefer cabbages!’]
He married the daughter of one Tetrarch emperor, to strengthen his position and promised military support.
30 [CONSTATINE, ‘I’ll totally be there, when you need me man! You can rely on me.’]
But when the time came for the show down, Constantine suddenly had urgent business to attend to in the farthest reaches of the empire, Britannia.
REPLAY: [CONSTANTINE, ‘I’m not hiding out in the far north. I’m here on important military business.’]
During this time Constantine changed his coinage to pay homage to the Roman sun god Sol Invictus, meaning the Invincible Sun. With varying degrees of success, previous emperors had tried to elevate Sol Invictus above all the other gods.
31 [CONSTANTINE, ‘It’s the god you can see every single day!’
(BEAT)
CONSTANTINE, ‘Except when it’s cloudy.’]
Constantine’s motivations here, I believe, are pretty transparent. One all powerful god, selecting one all powerful man to rule over one unified empire.
32 [HIGHLANDER, ‘There can be only one!’]
Official propaganda went about at this time claiming Constantine had a vision where Apollo, the Greek sun god, placed a laurel on Constantine’s head, signifying Constantine would rule the world.
33 [CONSTANTINE, ‘Sol Invictus says I shall be king of the world.’
PAGAN, ‘I don't know about that, Venus told me that's not gonna happen.’
CONSTANTINE, ‘No, but Sol Invictus is the more powerful, he's the only, hmmmmm! This polytheism is not working the way I want it too.’]
If you’ve read ahead, you might recognize that story. There’s a bit of a pattern here. Apollo would not be the last heavenly entity to bestow divine fortune on Constantine.
34 [ORATOR, ‘Gather around, citizens, I have an edict from the emperor Constantine to read out.’
(BEAT)
ORATOR, ‘Ahem, Dear people of, insert name of settlement or city here, oh! I see, I'm meant to fill that part in. We'll, we all know who we are. Ahem, Constantine the First of that name has been elevated to position of emperor by your god, insert name of local deity here. Whoops! I've done it again.’]
In 311 senior tetrarch emperor Galerius got real sick, like real sick.
[TTS, ‘How sick?’]
According to Eusebius his insides rotted and the smell of the lone dying man filled the entire city with its pungent stench.
[TTS, ‘That is real sick. So sick, in fact, I find it hard to believe.’]
This story is almost certainly made up by Eusebius. But credit where credit's due, it is funny.
35 [AIDE, ‘Oh Galerius! What crawled up your arse and died?’
GALERIUS, ‘Me! It's me! I'm dying up there!’]
On his deathbed, Galerius lifted the persecution on the Christians.
36 [GALERIUS, ‘No one told me their god was a diarrhoea god! I’ve seen my insides on the outside. No one should have to see that!’]
All pretence in this silly Tetrarchy system died with Galerius and the numerous tetrarch emperors dotted around the empire prepared for yet another inevitable civil war.
37 [CAPTAIN AMERICA, ‘It was inevitable. We had to do it. As soon as we heard DC were doing Batman vs Superman.’]
Constantine married his daughter off to one of his potential rivals and then invaded Italy.
38 [CONSTANTINE, ‘Are you ready for war?’
TROOPS, ‘Yeah! War! War! War! Let’s get em! Kill the enemy! Take no prisoners!’
CONSTANTINE, ‘Alright, let us march on Rome!’
TROOPS Enthusiastic cheering starts again but halts.
TROOPS, ‘Rome? Did he say Rome? I think he said Rome? Wait, what? But we're Romans? We can’t attack Rome! Not Rome! That’s like so gross. But all my stuff is in Rome.’]
That's where we leave Constantine for now. The rest of his story covering his alleged Christianity is covered over on the main feed in the episode Constantine The Great Christian Lie.
[SATAN, ‘Bury the lead in the title!’]
What can we take away from the biography of Constantine? Nothing. We don’t know if any of this is true. Don’t leave your legacy in the hands of Christians. They’ll firetruck it up with their lies.
And that’s why Satan is my superhero.